Roles

What exactly is the role of a daughter-in-law? For that matter, what is the role of a mother-in-law?

It's got to be more than "the wife of one's son" or "the mother of one's husband". I think about Ruth and Naomi and I wonder if I could really stay with Joyce if something were to happen to Brett. I know times have changed but surely there is something special about their dynamic that should translate even today, right?

My father-in-law and I really have no problems, and I imagine few do. I tend to feel so bad that the problems Brett has with his mom (and, in turn, I tend to have with his mom) cause him to suffer, too.

I genuinely like my MIL as a person. If I were just to know her as a lady from church, I'm sure we would get along splendidly. But I know her beyond that. Perhaps it is the similarities we share that cause us to butt heads so often... I don't know. But I do know that my relationship with my MIL would be far less strained if we could nail down exactly what we each expect out of this "in-law" arrangement.

Am I supposed to be her friend? Spending time alone with her, listening to her share her stories, even if they cross "appropriate" familial boundaries, trying to defend her heart when she gets in arguments with my husband?

Or am I her daughter? Sharing equally with her actual children the weight of responsibility to remember her 40th anniversary and celebrate it accordingly, to know all her past family hurts and take that into account when uncomfortable topics of conversation arise, accepting blame when she says "I told you so" if I don't go along with her opinions of how I should live?

Or am I somewhere in between? Can I dance between both roles?

I don't want her to be my mother. I don't need her to be. I love the one I have. She was everything she was supposed to be to me and who she is helped form who I am. But I have always felt that my MIL wants me to be the daughter she never had (even though she does have a daughter).

Can I refuse such a heavy calling?