If it wasn't also kinda sad.
Brett and I have been talking and praying a lot about how much we think it would benefit our family if, *hopefully* next year, I just worked part time and stayed home with Caleb. Caleb would still benefit from the socialization of daycare 2 days a week, my [mentalphysicalemotional] well-being would greatly improve if I got to really feel like I was making the best use out of my time (actually meeting a need, causing a change), and we'd be saving a ton of cash. With Brett's new job, raise, and possibility of becoming an actual BCBS employee with the ability to carry our family's medical insurance needs, it looks like it could happen.
However, to really work towards this goal, we've been trying to be much smarter with our money. We've cut out a lot of things we don't really NEED, we're trying to pay down debts, and we're doing simple everyday things that at least make us feel like we're working together towards a common goal (like, ok, don't give me grief but, since I never learned to cook, we used to eat out at least one meal EVERYDAY. No joke. So eating every meal at home for a week was a big milestone of change for us).
But, of course, when we start to make a lil progress, Satan wants to flood our hearts with doubt and discouragement. Make us think that we'll never be able to get control on our money. His weapon of choice this week? Our house.
It's almost laughable how EVERY SINGLE DAY something has gone wrong.
Our toilets stop working altogether. Water goes back UP into our bathtubs when we do laundry. A leak in a pipe going into our water heater has soaked every wooden piece of our foundation. We got locked out of our house today (on the way to church no less) and had a locksmith on the way ($$) when Brett figured out a way to break into our own house (ha, now he's at Home Depot trying to fix the vulnerable spot he discovered).
It gets Brett furious.
It gets me feeling insecure about God's will.
Staying home with Caleb often feels like a selfish thing for me to want to do. Especially when I have to ability to make money and WE NEED MONEY. In order to please God, do I have to be a martyr everyday? Is it somehow more holy to sacrifice my desires (time with my child) and commit to an existence I don't like? Am I messing up the plan?
I dunno.
I do know that when I make a decision and immediately face opposition, it just makes me want to dig my heels in more and refuse to budge.
What do you think?
Girl I know exactly what you mean. It's guilt no matter what you do. Guilt that you aren't spending enough time with your kids and guilt that you could be hurting your family financially. I honestly think it all goes back to how God designed us. I think that He designed us with a passion for our families - we want to take care of them. Men were designed to work outside the home and I don't think we were. That sounds so sexist, but as a working, professional woman with an MBA, I think I can say it. Unfortunately, it is not always fiscally possible to stay at home and care for your family. It's not in my situation. Hopefully one day it will be. I hope you can go part time! I was really beginning to lose it. I just felt so inadequate as a mom and wife. I couldn't do it all while working full time. I still feel like I can't do it all, but I can do so much more now! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteOur plumbing did that last month. And now it is trying to do it again. *bangs head into wall* A house is a house. It will have issues. Do not take that as a sign from God.
ReplyDeleteI am biased, as I have been a stay-at-home mom for 99% of the time I have had children. I will tell you that I did not function well as a full-time working mom, but I do not function well when I am 100% tied to home either. I need both, so I think planning to work part-time is not only financially wise but also good for you and Caleb. Also, if you plan to have more children, childcare is only going to get more expensive, so you will end up saving even more money by being home, usually.
I am sure there are good arguments for continuing to work full-time, but I am not the one to offer them. I have watched how this current job has effected you, and I don't like it. So, at the very least, find a new job. ;)
ok, first and foremost - i'm so proud of you for working on your finances! and when we start making changes - that is when the enemy is going to attack you at every weak point and these attacks are designed to draw your eyes away from God, to distract you from praying and to make you lose sight that God has already provided everything you need. trust me, we are living proof of this!
ReplyDeleteso, i say that what you and brett commit to as a family, you lay it on the altar of God in prayer and ask Him to protect you from the attacks of the enemy. Ask God to help you as you try to pay off debt (which is scriptural AND goes against the social norm of today so of course the enemy doesn't want you to succeed!) then, you and brett commit to a plan - write it out each month - put money into savings for these kind of emergencies and don't stray. i'm sending you some cds - they may help!
in addition, you feeling torn between work and family is NORMAL! ask God to cleanse your heart's desire to line up with His desires for your family and He will show you what to do. i think women are designed to be pulled to care for our families - to be home with them - i think you will find more peae and fulfillment going his route - 2 days a week at work is a great idea! you go girl!