MzAshleyQ

God provides and multiplies...

2011-06-28T05:33:00.000-07:00

Making The Most Of Your Resources

2011-06-27T04:45:00.000-07:00

I found this Women of Faith devo at Sam's of all places and bought it because it seems to be just what I need this summer. It's all about viewing my time, energy, and $ from God's P.O.V. and learning how to manage it all better. I'm just gonna post some interesting quotes for your viewing pleasure ;P

-When we're children, we have a lot of time and energy but no money. When we're working adults, we have money and some energy but never enough time to spend either. When we're older and in the retirement years, we have time on our hands and (hopefully) money saved up but where's the energy we need to enjoy life?

-God comes into our life and multiplies my joy as I divide my energy. He adds strength to my character as I subtract activities I don't need to be doing.

-Whatever I have, I'm finding when I look at it from God's perspective, it's enough.

-Sometimes the most amazing displays of God's goodness are found in the tiniest aspects of God's creation

-When God gives us great things, we can't help but want to share His goodness with others.

-We need to be able to distinguish the needs that we are uniquely designed to fulfill as well as prioritize the opportunities that God sends our way.

-Choose to embrace generosity as a lifestyle and learn to celebrate all the gifts God has entrusted to you.

btw

2011-06-22T14:11:00.000-07:00

I got the dream job!

It was an absolute test of faith... To believe my plans are safer in His hands than mine. To believe that He's got it all under control and it is not MY job to fiercely protect my heart from disappointment. To believe that I could RISK clinging to His promises without expecting some consolation prize. It was a real revelation of God's character, that I need not be afraid of uttering my dreams out loud - the whole Abraham and Isaac thing - because He is a good Father who knows how to give good gifts to His children (and unlike my earthly father whom, I regret to say, I always lived with fearful suspicion). I know He kept me from leaving my previous job for 3 years so He could receive the MOST glory possible by delivering me in just the right moment. All praise to Him for giving me this desire of my heart because He loves me!

How has He shown you He loves you today?

BadMoodBlogger

2011-04-11T11:24:00.000-07:00

Nearly three months of silence! Craziness! And why do I always get the urge to blog when I am facing difficulties? I don't want to be a bad mood blogger! As if anyone wants to read me venting about stupid crises in my life. Oh well, it got me this far so lemme write.

The highlights:
-turned 26
-had a fabulous job interview for a new middle school they are building 5 miles from my house
-actually felt respected as a teacher and appreciated for my innovative and unorthodox style
-had a lil party at The Mad Platter with a bunch of great girlfriends to celebrate
-feel in love with great female vocalists (Audrey Assad, Grace Potter, Florence and the Machine, etc)
-visited my parents in NC and saw Caleb attempt putt-putt for the first time ever (see facebook video)
-attended a marriage seminar at church
-watched Brett teach and baptize his friend! ;D
-lost 25 lbs in 3 months thanx to WW online
-began teaching Sunday School to 2 & 3 year olds
-saw Heather and her grown up boys when they came to visit
-did several paintings for different friends birthdays
-cooked fried chicken all by myself!
-dyed Caleb's first Easter eggs
-invested in close friendships with very inspiring women (one of whom said "I've decided we're going to be best friends" ;P)
-taught Caleb to say "bye Nana" on the phone and melt hearts ;)
-got a grant to go to a special week long institute for arts teachers... and realized 2 friends would be coming with me! ;)
-enjoyed shopping for pants 2 sizes smaller
-did not enjoy shopping for bras one size smaller :P
-joined the Harry Potter fanclub and read the first 3 books over spring break
-fasted from tv.... for about 3 days
-fell more and more in love with my amazing husband and partner and our adorable lil boy who's growing up crazyfast!

Current crisis:
I heard back from the principal of that dream job I interviewed with.... it looks like her hands are tied at the moment, if not indefinitely. She was very impressed with me but she's currently only able to hire in-district employees looking to transfer due to budget constraints. The restriction MIGHT be lifted at the end of April and I should check back with her then. Miiiiggghhhhttt. : / I was so stinkin excited about this possibility! it was the desire of my heart to get outta this bad experience and back into middle school, especially one so close to home! But now I dunno what to do. The fighter in me wants to go all out to sell myself and prove that I'm the best for the job and they've just gotta have me. But then there's the nagging common sense that tells me to just give up and prepare for the worst. How do I hold onto hope and step out in faith (believing Mark 11:24 "whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours") while still feeling like I need to protect my heart from being broken with disappointment?

It's hard to face the last 6 weeks of school so uncertain of the future. *sigh* Anyway, that's me. How are you? ;P

Sooo...what to do with all this anger?

2011-01-15T05:10:00.000-08:00

When do our frustrated feelings become sin? When we act on them and speak them out loud.

Prov. 21:23- "Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut and you will stay out of trouble."

Words are never really idle. They either contribute to the building up or the tearing down.

When we speak carelessly, not bring in control and consciously deciding what we're putting out into the world, the words appear idle-pointless-harmless-lacking purpose-just "venting".

Prov. 29:11- "Fools VENT their anger but the wise quietly hold it back."

Do I really pay that much attention to what I let fly? Do I EVER really decide what to say?

James 3:2- "Indeed we all make many mistakes. For, if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way."

I want self-control. The seed for it is already planted in me, I just gave to help it grow.

I need to stop YEARNing for it.
Instead I need to LEARN how to be that way.

And God gives me LOTS of opportunities to practice.

It's hard.

It hurts to be confronted with your weaknesses.

But the work is good.

Getting things easily will never make us into the women God is calling us to be.

Currently 2011

2011-01-13T11:29:00.000-08:00

Current Books: I finished all the Series Of Unfortunate Events books over Christmas break and I have a TON of books here I could read right now.... just haven't decided.

Current Playlist: The soundtrack from "Can't Hardly Wait".... I know I'm like 13 years late but I seriously love every. single. song.

Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure: That I read this ( http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41047777/ns/local_news-indianapolis_in/ ) and googled about and identified with Capricorns. And, because I'm a BSG dork, enjoyed being "from Caprica". :P

Current Colors: bright pink... as in lipstick. I'm ready for spring!

Current Fetish: Brett's lips? ;)

Current Food: anything with low WW points ;P

Current Drink: With all my constantly sick boys, give me orange juice!

Current Favorite Favorite: getting to hold and rock my little boy.... I know these moments will become even more few and far between as he gets older.

Current Wishlist: anything from my Amazon wishlist or GIFTCARDS! I never get giftcards.... my birthdays coming up people ;)

Current Needs: Oh, you know, just a couple thousand bucks to replace our heat/AC unit. But thank you GOD for these amazing space heaters and giant down comforters!!!

Current Triumph: losing 4-6 lbs in a week (depending on the scale)

Current Bane-of-my-Existence: myself every 5 minutes when God shows me the selfish motives of my heart.... I am WAYYYY too concerned about my rights!

Current Celebrity Crush: Emily Browning (of "A Series Of Unfortunate Events" movie and the awesome looking upcoming "SuckerPunch")

Current Indulgence: streaming Grey's Anatomy over Brett's iPad to the tv to watch since we cancelled cable

Current Mood: thankful

Current #1 Blessing: having 3 snow days off from work and two 2 hr. delays!!! :D

Current Slang or Saying: I look at Caleb and say "KristyYamaguchi" real fast and he ka-RACKS up!!! ;P

Current Outfit: sweatpants, FalconRidge Folk Festival tshirt, fuzzy red robe and socks

Current Link: http://1000awesomethings.com/

Resolving

2011-01-02T16:17:00.000-08:00

What I need is...

-to pour myself out

-to become less so He can become more in my life

-to obey Him in THIS moment, not even being concerned with what will happen after that

He's showing me everyday, shoot, every 5 minutes (!) that I do everything with a wicked motive. Every action has a secret purpose.... to justify why Brett (or anybody else) should feel guilty and do what I want and why God should bless the plans I've already made for my life. Every thought has a secret origin.... "how does this effect my rights?"

I'm on my mind all the time.

What I need is...

-to obey just because I love Him, not to get any reward.

-to show respect and self-sacrificing love to my husband, not to make myself look good and get my way but because that's just what love does.

My resolution is to give myself away.

So, tell me, what do YOU need? How can I love you better?

Cycle of Crazy

2011-01-01T20:20:00.000-08:00

He said all he wanted was for me to be happy.

When I'm happy, my attitude changes the whole house.

"A woman has the God-given ability to influence the people around her."

When I'm happy, it makes him want to give us his undivided attention.

It makes me my most beautiful self.

And all this time I've been waiting for him to make me happy.

I didn't realize it. It's so cliche. But I was.

I don't know if I remember how to make my own happiness.

Its been so long since I've given myself permission to do that.

I've been too busy being a martyr, sacrificing everything for the "us", working and resenting and feeling guilty for the resenting.

I've been too busy demanding my rights and manipulating for happiness to just go out and make some for myself.

What a concept.

When I'm grateful, I'm so happy I'll do anything for you. No matter what, bend over backwards, careless of the cost.... But while I'm WAITING for you to do something that I can be grateful for? I'll do absolutely nothing.

I've got a desperate itch. But I won't scratch it myself. I'll wait for you to magically know I need it scratched... THEN I'll scratch your back. But if you never know (because I won't tell you) and never meet that need for me, it'll just keep on going unmet, my anger will grow, and I'll never meet your need.

Are you kidding me?!?

That's my cycle of crazy.

Exploring New Depths

2010-12-05T07:44:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've been on a roller coaster. My emotions propel every action I perform lately, wise and unwise. I'm learning to be and hopefully maturing into a person who can consistently view others from God's eyes so I'll stop resting so much hope on them and getting painfully wounded with each disappointment. I can love regardless of how I am treated. I'm called to do that. He enables me to do that as I'm transformed by the renewing of my mind. What an unconventional idea... that you can choose what thoughts occupy your mind! So often, especially lately, I feel tortured by these incessant thoughts of how I've been mistreated, particularly by those who are "supposed" to love me the most. My feeble logic concludes that they must not really care about me at all....and if they don't care about me, what chance is there that anyone else could? See how insanely deep this rabbit hole goes? It's a never ending spiral of lies. But it can end. I can choose. I can take those thoughts captive and replace them with truth. What a beautiful hope (and not-so-easy practice) I'm striving for everyday.

And how goes my created family, you ask (you did ask, right? :P) These precious men set to work mending my heart and restoring my faith. I just think I'll never get over just how much my love for them grows and grows and grows. Seven years after a chance encounter, I'm still learning about and falling for this man of my dreams. He meets my needs and sweeps me off my feet. He makes me laugh and hears my cries. He understands me better than anyone and still marvels at the mysteries of my heart. I'm just so thankful for my husband. And Caleb, the full on boy, has developed such a strong and sweet personality.... he is a baby no longer! I connect with him in so many new ways each day. He senses things in me and I in him.... our bond is just...there. He's an absolute joy. So much so that I just want to be with him every waking moment. I honestly (insert knock on wood) just never get tired of being near him. The desperate frustration I felt at times when he was a newborn (and I was a sleepless fool :P) has been gone for quite some time and I really can't believe it hasn't come back. I just adore my son.

So, though I lack the Christmas spirit for some reason this year and really have no interest in carols and trees and lights and presents, I am so incredibly grateful for the gifts within my own home and my own heart. Thank you thank you and happy birthday Jesus!

It's Almost Hilarious....

2010-10-10T12:13:00.001-07:00

If it wasn't also kinda sad.

Brett and I have been talking and praying a lot about how much we think it would benefit our family if, *hopefully* next year, I just worked part time and stayed home with Caleb. Caleb would still benefit from the socialization of daycare 2 days a week, my [mentalphysicalemotional] well-being would greatly improve if I got to really feel like I was making the best use out of my time (actually meeting a need, causing a change), and we'd be saving a ton of cash. With Brett's new job, raise, and possibility of becoming an actual BCBS employee with the ability to carry our family's medical insurance needs, it looks like it could happen.

However, to really work towards this goal, we've been trying to be much smarter with our money. We've cut out a lot of things we don't really NEED, we're trying to pay down debts, and we're doing simple everyday things that at least make us feel like we're working together towards a common goal (like, ok, don't give me grief but, since I never learned to cook, we used to eat out at least one meal EVERYDAY. No joke. So eating every meal at home for a week was a big milestone of change for us).

But, of course, when we start to make a lil progress, Satan wants to flood our hearts with doubt and discouragement. Make us think that we'll never be able to get control on our money. His weapon of choice this week? Our house.

It's almost laughable how EVERY SINGLE DAY something has gone wrong.

Our toilets stop working altogether. Water goes back UP into our bathtubs when we do laundry. A leak in a pipe going into our water heater has soaked every wooden piece of our foundation. We got locked out of our house today (on the way to church no less) and had a locksmith on the way ($$) when Brett figured out a way to break into our own house (ha, now he's at Home Depot trying to fix the vulnerable spot he discovered).

It gets Brett furious.

It gets me feeling insecure about God's will.

Staying home with Caleb often feels like a selfish thing for me to want to do. Especially when I have to ability to make money and WE NEED MONEY. In order to please God, do I have to be a martyr everyday? Is it somehow more holy to sacrifice my desires (time with my child) and commit to an existence I don't like? Am I messing up the plan?

I dunno.

I do know that when I make a decision and immediately face opposition, it just makes me want to dig my heels in more and refuse to budge.

What do you think?

Recap

2010-09-25T10:37:00.000-07:00

I've been busy doing the whole teaching, parenting, socializing thing for the last few weeks.

Brett and I celebrated our 5TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY! It's kinda unbelievable that we've been married that long already. I still feel like we're just playing house. We're working on our finances and stuff so we didn't make the big-huge-deal out of it that I had always hoped to but it was still awesome. Brett kidnapped me and we both played hooky from work to have a lil "staycation". We stayed in a beautiful hotel in the ritzy downtown, we went out to breakfast, we played putt-putt, we went to the art museum and hung out in bookstores, we went to all our favorite restaurants, we went to the movies, twice..... we just did all the things we used to be able to do whenever we wanted to. It was precious reconnecting time and it meant so much to me that he had a plan. He also did one of the most romantic things ever that he hasn't done since the day we were married. Can't tell ya about that, tho. ;)

Brett also just turned 31. :P He's in his thirties. I'm in my twenties. Hehe. :P

School's going alright. God's been dealing with me about my attitude lately. Don't get me wrong, I've got a better grip on teaching elementary than I've had in the past. And I am pleased that things aren't going horribly wrong.... but I have a hard time being cheerful and bubbly and "yay everything's great" because they really aren't. I know students can behave better than they do for me. But, cmon now, what good does it do anybody for me to have a cynical attitude? I'm workin' on it...

I went with some young wives/mothers from church to a beach retreat at Myrtle a few weekends ago. It was really fun! I got to know them a lot better (10 girls in tight quarters) and it really did my heart good to be around people I have so much in common with. Very encouraging!

Coming home from that retreat was good because Caleb apparently really missed me and gave Brett a reality-check on just how valuable moms are! Since I've been back, he's had an incredibly grateful attitude and has been way more helpful and considerate as a husband and a father. He sees now that it's not so easy to work full time, come home and do most of the caretaking of Caleb until he goes to bed, then work to keep the house clean and my spouse happy. Brett says he plans to find me a cape (since I'm a superhero) ;P Hehe...

Finally, last Friday I got to go with one of my besties to see Big Head Todd & The Monsters in concert at The Fillmore in Charlotte. Coolest. Venue. Ever! It was such a beautiful place and they're def one of the best 90's bands if not THE best. We jammed into the wee hours of the morning (with a buncha people in their 40's reliving their college heyday! ;P) I attached some YouTube videos of their most popular songs below......

Big Head Todd & the Monsters "Please Don't Tell Her"

2010-09-25T10:36:00.000-07:00

Big Head Todd & The Monsters "Bittersweet"

2010-09-25T10:33:00.000-07:00

Big Head Todd & The Monsters "It's Alright"

2010-09-25T10:32:00.000-07:00

Dreaming...

2010-09-08T11:40:00.000-07:00

My dream house would be an arts and crafts bungalow like this one. We'd spend time on the beautiful porch and turn the den into an office... maybe with walls of books like THIS!

In the bonus room over the garage, it was be awesome to to have room to spread out all my art stuff and have a workable studio. I found this table at IKEA with a light box in it. Coolest. Desk. Ever!

And maybe if I had a kitchen like this, I'd actually want to learn to cook! ;)

What would your ideal house look like?

One Simple Purpose

2010-08-21T13:15:00.000-07:00

School has started so my brain has been scattered to the winds. This was the first week for students....therefore the first week I was on my feet for 7 hours a day performing my "tough teacher" act before these kids that keep growing up! It's so confusing because I have second graders now that will forever be kindergartners in my mind! Still adorable though. And, thank you Lord, I am so blessed to have a job and a job where I get to watch little people mature and learn and develop personalities and discover everyday!

I'm feeling really good about this year. My principal must have been listening to some of the things I said last year because she has deemed this the "year of change" and is actually putting some new things into practice! So encouraging! And God really did a number on my heart this summer and is holding my hand through all the rough moments. The first day teachers came back, by the grace of God alone I was able to muscle up courage to go speak to some of my coworkers that were part of the big drama last year and I have forgiven and been forgiven. We all seem to be moving forward and that is rather amazing.

I'm sticking to my guns, holding everyone to higher standards believing that they will rise to meet them, and refusing to give the devil the satisfaction of the reaction he is hoping for when moments pop up that entice me to get prideful, angry, self-conscious, etc. I just WILL NOT DO IT. Instead, I'm gonna blow kisses to the one I love and be a blessing every single day. I'm going to plan ahead of time how I will handle the drama that will inevitably creep up. I'm going to love. Ya hear me?!? I'M GOING TO LOVE. Period.

More Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control!

2010-08-04T04:50:00.000-07:00

On my way to Concord Mills this weekend, my mom and I were listening to some Joyce Meyer cds. I heard this interesting take on a parable found in Luke 13:6-9.

It's about a man who planted a fig tree and for three years he was disappointed because it never bore fruit. He'd go out everyday... nothin'. Eventually he said to just cut it down because it was sucking up nutrients and crowding other plants, taking up their sunshine. But the gardener asked to let it grow one more year and he'd give it special attention and extra fertilizer. If, after a season of extra manure, it didn't bear fruit, then they could cut it down.

Joyce broke it down like this: Sometimes you are left in a "manure-y" situation in order to bear more fruit with your life!

Ha. Appropriate timing on that message. ;P

Grandmas, Mamas, and Babies!

2010-08-02T17:10:00.000-07:00

I got to meet my best good friend Cheryl, her mama, and baby girl Kennedy at Concord Mills this weekend and it was such a treat! My mom and Caleb came with me so it was a "Mommy and Babies Weekend" all around. We shopped, we laughed, we cuddled each other's kiddos. It was just the kind of sweetness I needed as this summer comes to a close.

I've always liked the name Kennedy Quam... has a nice ring to it... maybe someday our kids will fall in love. ;) Or perhaps it's happened already. Caleb doesn't just share his remote with anybody.

She's such a sweetie pie....

They played well together....

But Caleb kinda lost interest once he found the AC in the hotel room and realized he could push the buttons....

Once we got to the mall, we were all pretty amazed at the fish at the Bass ProShop....

We walked around that giant mall for a couple hours. Well, some of us were carried....

The babies even got to ride a Merry-Go-Round. Kennedy totally took it better than Caleb did....

And at the end of the loooooooooonnnnnggggggg day, the mommies shared a ridiculously large adult beverage from Macado's. Kennedy seemed a lil jealous. ;P

I think we need to make this kind of weekend a yearly occurance!

The End of the 99 Questions

2010-07-26T07:15:00.000-07:00

81. What are the three biggest priorities in my life?

Connecting with God and pleasing Him with my life, loving my husband well, loving my children well

82. Who are the most important people in the world to me?

My family and friends. I've actually come to the point where I genuinely LIKE these relatives I am supposed to LOVE. And I've become very selective about the people I call my friends... there's only a handful of them but I'd do anything for them and I consider them the family I get to choose! ;)

83. Who loves me? Who cares for me?

Hopefully those friends and family I mentioned above! Ha! And my students I think.

84. Are my living and work areas organized in a way that serves me well?

I believe so. I almost feel like I can't breathe within a space until I have things put in a way that makes sense to me. In high school, I had to have my locker just so. Here at home I'm constantly going through things and consolidating and purging. You might not get it, but I get it. ;P

85. Do I have a healthy lifestyle?

NO! But I want to change! I really want to incorporate exercise into everyday by doing active things with my family and friends (like, rather than meet to have dinner, meet to go for a walk). I'm still struggling with my eating disorder so fruits and veggies are rare in my diet but I refuse to raise Caleb that way so something's gotta give!

86. Am I carrying any emotional baggage?

Aren't we all? Ha! Thank God He lets us lay these heavy burdens down... now I just have to learn not to pick them back up!!!

87. Have I let go of the mistakes I’ve made in the past?

I try. Sometimes they come back to my mind... I'll be somewhere or see something that triggers a memory I'd rather forget. But my choices have gotten me to where I am today so I guess even those regrets have taught me something.

88. Do I give myself permission to fail?

Not nearly as much as I should. I'm pretty intolerant of my own incompetence.

89. Do I learn from my mistakes?

I hope so! I def learn a lesson but whether I keep that lesson in mind when I have the chance to either repeat the same mistake or make a different choice is a whole 'nother matter! Most of the problems in my life have resulted from me and my big mouth so, you'd think I'd stop making the same mistake! I embody that quote about insanity.... doing the same thing over and over expecting different results! Ha!

90. Do I rebound quickly when something goes wrong?

Not at allllllllllllllllllll. I get wounded deeply and need to take some time and space to nurse my wounds. Ha, that's pretty much been my summer!

91. Do my beliefs serve me well?

Yes? Though perhaps that belief that all people are generally good is a bit naive.

92. Do I need to relax the rules I’ve set for myself and for others?

Probably. If you don't expect a lot, you won't get disappointed.

93. What childhood dreams have I been neglecting?

I need to build more forts.

94. Where have I been giving my power over to others?

Hmm, definitely at work. My trouble always comes when I am associated with certain people and their work (or lack of it). I can still be helpful to my coworkers when they need me without becoming a part of the drama. I need to separate myself from my "team" and be seen as an independent teacher. I want to be in control of my reputation, not them. And even if that doesn't turn out to be such a positive thing, at least I can respect myself and stand wholeheartedly behind my work because it is authentically me.

95. What do I need to do in order to regain my power?

See above. I also need to just commit my plans (and reputation and search for favor) to the Lord and let Him decide what power I can handle!

95. Who are my role models?

Tori Spelling? Hehe.

96. Am I being authentic? Do I allow myself to be me? Am I trying to be somebody I’m not?

That's really important to me and I battle with that almost everyday. My desire to be "totally Ashley" all the time in front of all people in all circumstances V.S. my insane insecurity and need to be whoever others want me to be.

97. What if . . .

I actually was everything I appear to be?

98. Why not . . .

take that risk and let the chips fall where they may?

99. How can I . . .

put all of this into practice?!?

This Ungodly Hour

2010-07-24T02:02:00.001-07:00

I have been awake since 2:30 AM when Brett came to bed.

Ridiculous.

But, rather than lay in bed willing myself to sleep, I'm catching up on my blog reading. ;P And hyper-linking like a maniac.

I love this post by Crafty Fanny. (I hope she doesn't mind that I'm sharing) It's kind of the opposite of all the guilt/resentment I've been feeling towards myself lately and it's pretty much what you all have been telling me. ;) Love. It.

Heather's here but not really here because I prolly will only see her for like a second. Oh well. I make plans, God laughs.

Brett and I discovered Jo Koy's Comedy Central Presents special on Netflix's instant queue and it makes us C-R-A-C-K-U-P every time without fail. I'm pretty much just waiting for Caleb to start talking about his TingTing.

There's this little handmade owl change purse sitting in front of me that I bought at the Craft Feast at Sandhills on the 4^th of July. When I asked the artist at the booth how she made them, she said she’s been melting plastic bags you get at grocery stores to create this kind of durable waterproof fabric you can sew into all kinds of things. How cool is that?!? Those bags always drive me crazy and I hate to throw ‘em out! I cannot WAIT to try this technique! And I love that Etsy lets you add comments…..people are leaving great ideas like weaving strips of the plastic bags together, adding crayon shavings or other colorful waxes in between the layers, layering bubblewrap between thin bag layers to create a snakeskin/honeycomb design, cutting up smaller colorful bags into shapes (like hearts and flowers) to stick between the layers, and being extra “green” by asking Target guest services if they have any used bags left over from returns they want you to take off their hands. SO COOL!!!! There’s lots of back-and-forth science jargon and environmentalists arguing over cloth bags vs. recycling these plastic ones so I think I’ll try this project outside on my porch just to be safe. Lemme know if anyone tries it!

KellyRae talks about this LoveBomb retreat thingy she does with her best girlfriends every year and it just sounds so awesome. All my loves are scattered across the country... how amazing would it be if everyone would purposefully set aside one weekend a year to come together in one place and celebrate each other? If everyone would save up to make sure they could travel to be there? If everyone made our friendship a priority? I wish it could happen. I really do.

And, finally, as the clock reaches 5:26 AM and I attempt to catch maybe one more hour of sleep before Caleb wakes up, check out this amazing pink dolphin. Oh yes, I too was a proud member of The Lisa Frank Fan Club. Don't even pretend to be too cool to know what I'm talkin' about. ; )

Hope you all are having very sweet dreams right now! G'night!

Worth Celebrating!

2010-07-22T15:50:00.000-07:00

I've been "practicing" obedience (ya know, that whole *crucify your sinful nature, put on the new one* thing) and have had many opportunities to try and lay down my anger and be patient..... Pretty much suck at it so far but I'm not giving up! Ha! And God's not giving up on me. Anyway, it all feels like really HEAVY stuff and I just need a break from it to breathe for a second. So lemme lighten it up by mentioning some really awesome blessings that have come my way:

I have been craving this oversized cardigan at NY&Co for awhile now but just couldn't reconcile spending 50 bucks. Then I found one just like it at a local store for $13. And one of my graduating 5th grade students had given me a $10 gift certificate I was able to use so I got what I wanted for back-to-school for $3.00! Can't beat that!

By a clerical error, we've been slightly overpaying our mortgage payment (which has been automatically withdrawn since January). When I called to ask about a conflict I saw on our statement, they said they will NOT be taking our money next Friday for July's payment and will cover our August payment with the excess we've already paid!!! :D We won't have to pay our mortgage until September! Thank you Jesus!!! We needed this breathing room right now! *phew*

I will *hopefully* get to spend the whole day in Charleston next week with my friend Stephanie just taking photographs and exploring. :) I haven't done that since we moved down here....Prolly the neatest thing I've done all summer!

I won two tickets to go see Guster in October! :D Yay! I like that song they have on the radio right now but mostly I just love 99.3 WXRY and I can't believe I actually won something!!

I'm going on a "Celebrate Mommy Weekend" with my friend Cheryl next weekend in Concord Mills. Both of our moms are coming and since we're new mommies ourselves, we're bringing our babies to meet for the first time (Caleb and Kennedy). So excited! :)

My friend Heather is town!!! :D

I dunno what it's going to take....

2010-07-19T12:01:00.000-07:00

Ya'll, I am so disappointed in myself.

At the very mention of school starting back up, I've already relapsed into all the things I've tried to overcome.

Anxiety.

Gossip.

Complaining.

Downright Fear.

I read Joyce Meyer's Approval Addiction. I've sought out prayer. I've posted relevant scriptures all around to remind me of how I need to seek God to protect me and love my enemies. I've taken classroom management workshops and read teacher-improvement books. I don't know what else to do.

I don't know what it's going to take to ACTUALLY change me.

I shocked myself at how quickly I went from being confident about the new person I plan on being at school this year to the same old doormat.

All the heart conditions I've worked through this summer came to nothing in 2 seconds flat.

Am I just going to be a "new creation" in theory, not in practice?

P.S.

2010-07-14T10:35:00.000-07:00

Dontcha just love this new watercolor background?!

Almost Done....

2010-07-14T09:19:00.000-07:00

61. Do I keep the promises I make to myself?

I'm usually not very good at coming through in the clutch. I fear disapproval so much that I usually agree to too much and then end up backing out at the last minute rather than suffer through something I'm not really comfortable with. But when it comes to promises to myself, since I'm obviously not just agreeing to anything, I have been better at keeping them. Especially this year. I wanted my 25th year to be the start of me DOING WHAT I SAY I WILL DO. I've tackled some big ones (tattoo, red hair, being honest with coworkers) but I'm still trying to make a little more progress everyday.

62. Do I keep the promises I make to others?

Ok, see above, but I do keep PROMISES. Maybe I just don't keep PLANS. Like I'm quick to say "Yeah sure! I'd love to go to the zoo with you at 8 in the morning!" but then I think about having to get up and get ready and prepare a screaming infant to walk around a hot smelly place for a couple hours until he's wet and fussy.... and then I decide to sleep in instead and plan for another time. ;P

63. For my life to be perfect, what would have to change?

Wow, what a loaded question. Um... I don't think life will ever be perfect here on earth but I guess my dream life would include living by the beach, waking with the SUN (not with my alarm clock!), working with people and students who respect me, having no eating disorder and being able to LIKE vegetables, having all the friends I love nearby, and being able to spend more time loving on my boys.

64. What am I most looking forward to right now?

Seeing "Inception" at midnight Thursday with my bestgoodfriend Stephanie!

65. What activities do I perform that give me the least joy? Do they really need doing? Can I delegate or pay someone else to do them?

Hmm....cleaning floors and bathrooms? Sorry, they really need doing. I guess I could pay someone to come in because Brett sure isn't gonna do it! Ha!

66. How can I simplify my life?

By learning how to say "no" without feeling like I have to come up with an excuse. By finding out what I really want in my life and being ok with cutting the rest out. By staying true to Ashley, seeking to please God with my choices, and refusing to let the opinions of others determine my worth. Tall order.

67. Do I see myself as a creative person?

Absolutely! I have always been creative since I was a very little girl and I will own that! Plus I really think everyone is creative in one way or another but they probably don't realize it or nurture it to grow into other areas of their lives.

68. Do I allow myself to be creative?

Moreso now than I used to. I guess because my time is so precious now, I really want to make it a priority in my life.

69. Can I be spontaneous?

I LOVE being spontaneous and I try to at every opportunity but having a baby that really needs a schedule makes it slightly harder....

70. Am I too critical of myself?

Y E S .

71. Am I too critical of others?

I really resist always having an opinion or judgment on people and situations. It's easier for me to see the good in others than in myself... but I really do think I am pessimistic by nature. Man, I avoided that question pretty good huh? :P

72. Do I look at problems from several different angles and perspectives?

Yes. Art helps you do that.... it helps you learn to see, especially from different viewpoints, and come up with many alternative solutions to a problem.

73. What have I accomplished?

Never enough! Ha! But, really, um... I got my bachelor's degree in 3 years while moving out on my own, getting married, and commuting over an hour everyday. I got my master's in less than 2 years while traveling a ridiculous distance daily to complete my first year of teaching. Oh, and I successfully grew a person. ;P

74. What are the major sources of stress in my life?

WORK.

75. How can I reduce stress in my life?

Quit?

76. Do I know where my money is going?

Finally! It took me a long time to get Brett to lay everything out for me and let me start paying the bills so at least I had some idea of what our finances look like. But the little bits steal seem to sneak away on a daily basis.

77. Do I have a handle on my finances?

I have a system now that works for me and I like to be able to track every bill, every payment, every unexplained expense. I'm not crazy about holding onto every receipt or balancing checkbooks or anything but I see when our bills are due, what our online statement says we're spending our money on, how much money we're actually bringing in (I take home HALF of what I make every year. ISN'T THAT CRAZY?!?), and what our priorities are. I'm still working on getting a grip on BOTH our credit and student loans though...

78. Do I have a financial plan for the future?

I have a dream, maybe not a plan yet. :P I just long for the day when the cars are paid off, we're on track to pay our mortgage down quickly, we have savings built up, we are contributing regularly to Caleb's college fund (which we do have *pat on the back*), our credit cards are GONE, and we understand what all we owe for the many schools both Brett and I have attended. Oh, and being able to kind of have an allow of blow money every week.

79. Do I know where my time is going?

I sure don't this summer! I really should just embrace it by now... I just don't have a productive schedule. I know I'm really going to have to change my routine in just a few weeks (AHHHHH!!!! Back to School!) but for now my time is just going to cuddling with my baby, taking naps, enjoying old movies, tinkering online, and going out every now and then with friends.

80. Have I created an efficient time management system for myself?

When school starts, I really have to plan just about every minute of my week ahead of time (leaving a lil wiggle room). I'm excited to actually have plans for most evenings after work this year instead of just going comatose in front of the tv every night. I read somewhere that the best way to endure doing something or being somewhere you don't really like is to plan something you enjoy immediately before and immediately after that event. So, hmm, quiet time and breakfast every morning and plans with friends every afternoon. Sounds like it might work. ;P

Bullets

2010-07-10T07:30:00.000-07:00

I never thought of myself as an angry person but this summer I am realizing just how much rage I have pent up inside of me. While wrestling with my insecurities, I keep getting scary angry at myself. I don't know what to do with all of that. I've got to lay it down.
I've never dug into the Bible so much before in my life and it's amazing. I am so thankful to feel like I'm g-r-o-w-i-n-g. And seeing my husband on the same path is so inspiring, too.
Brett baptized me Sunday after he himself got baptized. :) Incredible.
I went to Craft Feast at Sandhills and got to see the fireworks for the 4th of July.
I was having an artist's date at Michael's with a 50% off coupon and allowed myself to buy a HUGE sketchbook full of 11x14 paper. It feels extravagant. I've been drawing a self-portrait everyday in it. It's always intimidated me to work on a drawing on such a big scale but it's been a really cool experiment.
I called a Dr.'s office to pay an outstanding balance my insurance didn't cover only to find out that they actually owed ME money and are sending a check. : ) It's so cool when crazy stuff like that happens.
I painted my nails yellow. LOVE IT.
Toy Story 3 was adorable. I thoroughly enjoyed Mr.TortillaHead. Hehe.
Caleb did pretty good sitting through his first movie in the theaters. Pretty good for a one year old.
I now know, for sure, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that cookies are not a good idea for breakfast. :P
I am the whitest girl in the south. Of this I am convinced.
I've been ransacking the library on an almost daily basis. Watched lots of classic movies. Devouring a book a day it seems. It's such an incredible FREE resource and so many people don't take advantage of it a t a l l.
We joined the YMCA and Zumba is kicking my butt.
I love having a calendar full of scribbled plans. : )
Heather's coming to visit soon!
YayYayYay!
I need to be a better pen pal. And memory keeper.
Caleb and I have been "playing" with new friends lately and, at one of their houses, I discovered that my fearless little boy likes stairs!

Continuing those 99 Powerful Questions

2010-06-27T16:36:00.000-07:00

From here. Maybe these questions will help me figure myself out a lil more. ;P

41. Am I moving in the direction of my dreams?

I feel that I'm finally starting to figure out what that looks like. So, yes, slowly but surely.

42. Do I tell others what I really want?

Rarely. I'm afraid to be thought of as selfish so I tend to keep that to myself and just do what others want.

43. What does my ideal day look like?

I would wake up to the sunshine and go to my spot (a favorite comfy chair with Bible handy). Then I'd go speedwalking on the beach before coming home to make breakfast for my family. Then it's off to work teaching children who are excited to learn with people who I genuinely like being around and who respect and encourage me to develop more. Go pick up Caleb, seeing his face light up when I walk in the door, and head home to play with my son. When Brett gets home from work we'd spend time together as a family until Caleb goes to bed, then just he and I would cuddle up and watch a movie (unless it's a night I can go out with good girlfriends). I'd spend some late night hours creating art because that seems to be when the inspiration hits me and eventually succumb to my dreams.

44. Where do I want to be a year from now? Five years from now? Ten years from now? Twenty years from now?

1~ Working at a school closer to home.

5~ Possibly in a larger house since our family will be growing by then. ;)

10~ At 35...hmm.... wherever God wants me to be.

20~ I want to be relaxing into the life I have created, pleased with the choices that led me there, and having fun with my family!

45. What does my ideal living environment look like?

Clean enough that I don't feel distracted by all the piles of nonsense, full of sunshine, colorful.

46. What would I do if I had no fear?

Tell people who I am and what I really think and feel.

47. What would I do if money were no object?

Be a stay-at-home mom working on my art and writing children's books.

48. What excuses am I making?

We can't afford for me not to bring in a large income. I have to keep my job because all out medical insurance is on me. I can't show my full self because people will reject me.

49. Do I enjoy what I do on a daily basis?

Usually.

50. Am I on the right path?

Currently.

51. Am I kind to myself?

Not as much as I should be. I am my WORST critic.

52. Am I kind to others?

Everyday.

53. Do I take things for granted?

Probably. How can I really ever get sad when I have a roof over my head, food in my kitchen, clothes on my back, and health in my body?

54. Am I doing what matters most right now?

Right now I should be feeding my son and putting him to bed. :P Gotta go!

55. Is there an area in my life that needs more attention?

HA! What area doesn't right now?!? I need to focus on being HEALTHY in every sense of the word.

56. Do I make the best use of my time?

This giant TV needs to die already!

57. What can I do right now that would make the biggest difference in my life?

Get outside every single day. My whole perspective is altered when I encounter sunshine. Seriously.

58. What am I avoiding?

Walking on the treadclimber.

59. What am I tolerating/putting up with?

Passwords on home computers. THAT IS SO STUPID!

60. Do I have specific, measurable goals with clear deadlines?

I need some! I'm going to write them down, really. I've got to have a list.

To be continued....

That Girl

2010-06-26T17:29:00.000-07:00

Among my summer goals of reading classic children's books and experimenting in the kitchen is the ambition to watch all the famous old movies I've heard about but never seen. Thanks to the fabulousness of the Richland County Public Library and Netflix's Instant Queue on the Wii, I have been able to see quite a few classics for free! I still have a bunch of Audrey Hepburn ones to go and Gone with the Wind is going to take some time but, I must say, so far I am absolutely LOVING this! I seriously think I may have been born in the wrong time period.

Despite her tragic past and tragic ending (gosh, that only leaves the life between the dashes!), I cannot help but join the millions of fans of Marilyn Monroe. I plan on reading some of the biographies written about her because you just know there is more intellect behind that blonde bombshell persona.

My favorite photo:

Some great quotes (I'm just gonna choose to believe she said this, who knows):

"I don't want to make money. I just want to be wonderful."

"I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't."

"I've been on a calendar, but never on time."

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."

"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."

"When it comes down to it, I let them think what they want. If they care enough to bother with what I do, then I'm already better than them."

"I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one."

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

"Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world."

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."

If you're a parent... or were ever a babysitter....

2010-06-22T13:27:00.000-07:00

My friend Heather posted this on facebook and I just thought it was too funny not to share:

~Reasons Having A Toddler Is Like Being At A Frat Party~

10. There are half-full, brightly-colored plastic cups on the floor in every room. Three are in the bathtub.

9. There's always that one girl, bawling her eyes out in a corner.

8. It's best not to assume that the person closest to you has any control over their digestive function.

7. You sneak off to the bathroom knowing that as soon as you sit down, someone's going to start banging on the door.

6. Probably 80% of the stains on the furniture contain DNA.

5. You've got someone in your face at 3 a.m. looking for a drink.

4. There's definitely going to be a fight.

3. You're not sure whether anything you're doing is right, you just hope it won't get you arrested.

2. There are crumpled-up underpants everywhere.

1. You wake up wondering exactly how and when the person in bed with you got there.

A New Kind Of Ambition

2010-06-20T19:03:00.000-07:00

By a crazy sequence of events, I now have a subscription to A LOT of magazines.... Self, Ladies Home Journal, InStyle, Better Homes and Gardens, Marie Claire, Real Simple, Harper's Bazaar, and Wired. My mom got some subscriptions free for buying something and put my address down instead and there were also ridiculously inexpensive deals on Amazon. So I get bombarded with magazines every month which I promptly read, chop up for inspiration, and recycle for art projects.

One thing I've noticed lately in a couple different magazines is at least some mention of "A Woman's New Kind of Ambition". Basically that women are not ambitious like men (seeking external success in the form of high pay, a corner office, prestige, etc.) but are instead shifting towards an ardent desire for more engaging and fulfilling work that feels joyful, meaningful, and deeply personal.

I saw a blurb in one magazine that said that one way to live to 100 is to get into a creative field. "On average, according to a recent study, a woman with a creative job has the cardiovascular fitness and other health attributes of someone six years younger". They defined "creative" as anything that you find interesting, stimulating, and that lets you develop new skills on a regular basis.

In another magazine, there was a whole article featuring several women from around the country that gave up the traditional perks (like a regular hefty paycheck) to do something unorthodox. One woman left a lucrative job to participate in a yearlong program in AIDS-racked Africa planting vegetables and taking care of orphans. Another decided to drop out of the IT world to pursue her hobby (singing professionally in whatever gigs she can find and teaching vocal lessons). Still another talked about doing something she never thought she'd ever do: quit her secure, high paying executive job to stay home and raise three children.

54% of women say that their dream job would involve helping to make a difference in the world.

66% of women feel they should give back to the community.

It seems that women are leading the way into this new movement of meaning in the workforce. Maybe this push towards more personally fulfilling careers (that most likely pay far less than current jobs) will lead to the simplifying of your lifestyle in order to afford to live within your means. What a novel concept!

What would you do if money were not an issue? What little steps can you make towards making that dream a reality? How could you change your lifestyle in order to make that goal a real possibility?

Something to think about....

In the Doghouse!

2010-06-20T16:22:00.000-07:00

Cohan has been introduced to many a person as "my firstborn son". He was a gift from Brett for Valentine's Day several months before we got married. We had joint custody until our wedding day and, as a puppy, Cohan enjoyed dancing with me in the mornings and laying on Brett's computer desk at night. He's always been complimented for his laid back demeanor and friendly behavior. He struggled to adjust to the new addition to our family and I think he's done really well... up until last night.

I think Cohan's just been pushed to the edge lately with all the children and excitement at Caleb's birthday party and Caleb's new tendency to climb onto the sofa (previously just Cohan's territory). We've been teaching Caleb how to pet gently and be nice to the dog but last night he got just a little too close and Cohan snapped at him. Brett Fuh-REAKED out on Cohan and immediately started talking about giving him away. Caleb cried but got over it quickly and this morning it doesn't appear as bad as I feared it would but Caleb definitely has a pronounced cut on his forehead. : /

I started a firestorm of opinions on facebook when I asked for advice but what I gleaned from everyone's comments is that it's time to neuter Cohan.

Punishment for the first offense in the Quam household? Castration.

This Day And Everyday

2010-06-19T08:45:00.000-07:00

I really like the idea of challenging yourself to do an art-related activity on a daily basis. I once heard of an artist who painted a self-portrait everyday on the front page of his city's newspaper for a year. What a cool way to not only document subtle changes in yourself but also the current events of your world!

I absolutely love Danny Gregory and he talks in one of his books about drawing his breakfast every morning before he ate it.

Then I heard a story on NPR about an artist who has challenged himself to draw every person in NYC. That will take him the rest of his life!
http://everypersoninnewyork.blogspot.com/

I've always loved doing series.... photographs of different body parts of the same person, paintings of the same spot during different seasons, etc. And I love the tradition my fellow art teacher Mrs.Brown (http://www.mrsbrownart.com) had with her family of drawing a portrait of themselves every year as a keepsake of time gone by. How precious!

There's just something about working on your skills regularly, making a consistent pattern of taking time out of your busy day to create, taking a snapshot of THIS moment.

So cool.

Lighten Up Already! ;P

2010-06-17T12:55:00.000-07:00

I feel like being silly today.

I always wanted to be The Princess of Power when I grew up. Remember her? And her awesome unicorn?

While looking through pictures, I saw these funnies, too...

So many questions... got any answers?

2010-06-16T09:33:00.000-07:00

Since this seems to be the summer of my pseudo-identity-crisis, I've been thinking a lot about expectations and definitions of the roles I have in my life.

I'm a wife. A mother. A Christian. A woman. A teacher. An artist. A young person. A friend. A daughter.

What does that all mean?

I've always been conflicted about uniting all the roles I play and the compartments of my world into one. I never seem to be able to do it seamlessly (or successfully really) and I think it's because I am so consumed with trying to figure out what OTHER people expect from me, I've never sat down to figure out what I expect for my own life.

How do you stay a loving, romantic wife while still being a conscientious mother?

How do you balance being a teacher and an independent artist?

How do you reconcile your strong identity as a woman (and some of the feminist ideals that go with it) with being a submissive Christian?

How do you be a good friend, totally yourself, while accepting that you have A LOT of different things going on in your young life (i.e. marriage and children) than other friends your age?

How do you go from being the carefree daughter to the adult caretaker of your own parents?

I guess I should be asking, "How do I...?"

Gah, I just don't know.

What do I usually do when I don't know something?

Google it. :P

I actually googled the job description of an art teacher to try to get a better idea of who I should be at work:

Instructs pupils in art, such as painting, sketching, designing, and sculpturing.
Prepares lesson plans and establishes course goals.
Selects books and art supplies for courses.
Demonstrates method and procedure to pupils.
Observes and evaluates pupils' work to determine student progress or to make suggestions for improvement.
Confers with student, parent, and counselor to resolve student problem.
Accompanies students on field trips to museums or art galleries.
May specialize in teaching one or more areas of art, such as illustration, art history, or commercial art.
May direct planning and supervision of student contests and arranging of art exhibits.
May teach students with disabilities.

I do all of these things. But am I a good teacher? Am I getting through at all? Do I make one little bit of difference? Or am I just clocking in everyday? Is it supposed to just be a job and that's it? My family is more important to me than a paycheck but I spend 8 hours a day doing this job I thought I would absolutely love... a job I used to love... that now I just feel like a failure in. There's got to be a greater purpose to my days. My principal recently told me that she cannot validate me as a teacher, that I'm going to have to advertise myself and prove to everyone that there's a good reason to have me. So how do I become (or at least show if I already am) that rockstar teacher I want to be?

When will all these questions be silenced?!?

Collecting Inspiration

2010-06-15T14:22:00.000-07:00

So many things have been swirling around my heart lately, I don't know if I can get it all down.

My baby boy turned one year old! Unbelievable! This tiny little miracle God blessed me with is now this little person with facial expressions and mannerisms who laughs when I catch his eye. Being home with him all day everyday this summer has already been SO GOOD for my heart. He is such a sweet child.... when I get bogged down with thoughts about all I cannot control, it's like he senses it and waddles over to put his head on my shoulder. Seriously! Gah, I love that boy! Here's a shot from his Pirate Party:

And after his first taste of cake (a pirate ship I made):

Cooking is one of the new things I'm attempting this summer. I think it would be really cool if our new family tradition was Mommy making the birthday cake.... we can always have a backup, just in case. ;)

As far as work goes, I can't not think about it. It's stupid to pretend I can. So I have just decided that I'm going to concentrate on researching cool ideas and planning on being a rockstar art teacher next year so, if I end up going, I'll go out with a bang! I haven't been particularly proud of anything I've done at that school so far and I know I'm better than that. I need to stop trying to figure out who everyone wants me to be and just BE ME! This e-course from KellyRae (www.kellyraeroberts.com) that Brett signed me up for has been helping me see that I need to practice bravery and has been really encouraging me creatively... I'm finally making artwork of my OWN again! So, moving forward, looking ahead, dreaming big, taking risks. That's what I'm focusing on now.

Since finding such an amazing church home (www.columbiachurch.net) I've also been developing more spiritually. I've been challenged to actually pray for blessings for my "enemies" and THAT has been humbling! But I just feel like this summer is really going to be a time of renewal and strengthening me in all kinds of ways.... so far it really has been.

Another challenge I've been approached with is this idea of what it means to be a disciple. The term "Christian" is only used 3 times in the bible but the term "disciple" is used over 300 times.... the words are supposed to mean the same thing. My whole idea of discipleship has been that they are the really serious Christians, the ones that seem to live at a higher level. But I've read SO many scriptures lately that show that you cannot separate being "saved" from being a disciple... it makes me feel like, even though I always thought I was a Christian since I was 7 when I prayed the Lord's prayer and got baptized and even though I've been on mission trips and gone to church and been part of Campus Crusade, maybe my whole spiritual experience so far has been like an incubation time until now. Like the seed was first planted when I met Jesus at age 7 but I've been developing and growing since then in a womb and now I'm at a point I can really count the cost and make the necessary commitment and be BORN again. It just seems so...? What I always believed may not be the case. What do you think about all this? The church seems to never do an "invitation" at the end of their Sunday services (which is so different!) and they celebrate baptisms like I've never seen because they believe that a foundation must be set and the adult given time to really decide that they want to know the truth and obey. THEN once they are baptized, they are disciples. Makes me think and question and wonder about getting baptized again. Heavy stuff. But really thrilling to be searching the Word with so much passion again.

Anyway, sorry for those of you who might think it's crazy to blog about my faith like that. The e-course has also stirred in me a desire to create a website for all my artistic endeavors where I can share art lesson ideas too and perhaps blog as "MrsQuam". I could connect to more people, perhaps even students, and set myself up as more of a professional. I don't know how the general public would feel about my spiritual ramblings but, ya know, I just gotta be me.

So, anyway, I'll let you know when www.MrsQuam.com is up and running if you want to check it out. Until then, hopefully, I'll be more faithfully yours. ;) Thanks for reading!

Sup?

2010-05-30T20:04:00.000-07:00

I don't know how I feel about blogging anymore. No one probably reads this anyway and, obviously, I'm not so great at posting regularly. We'll see if I'll get some inspiration or self-discipline this summer to keep it going.

So much has happened.

Let's see if I can lay it out chronologically.

1.) I went to Baltimore for an art ed conference and that was cool. I got to see Emily, a best friend I haven't hardly talked to since I got married, so it was really awesome to see how some connections are forever.

2.) I went a little crazy and dyed my hair red....

3.) Roxanne, my "sister", my matron of honor, the friendship that I can use to clearly define my life "before" and "after", lost her husband of less than one year. On her birthday. He was a brave sniper in the Marines who lost his life on his third tour overseas. The whole town has come out in support of her, their daughter, and his family. I immediately dropped everything and drove back to Fredericksburg when I heard. I don't know if I did any good or not. What can you say in a situation like that? But I hugged her. And I cried with her. And I still pray. It just breaks your heart.

4.) There has been drama at work. *surprise* My principal has been trying to transfer me so her friend can have my position. One of my most influential coworkers now considers me a backstabbing enemy for questioning the favoritism that goes on in my school. No one else who also sees the inconsistency came to my defense. So there's just pretty much no desire in my heart to ever go back there. But unless there's a miracle in the works for me this summer, I think that's where I'll be.

5.) We've been going to Columbia Church of Christ (awesome church!) and there was an encouraging message today on Jeremiah 15:19-

"If you return to me, I will restore you so you can continue to serve me. If you speak good words rather than worthless ones, you will be my spokesman. You must influence them, do not let them influence you! They will fight against you like an attacking army but I will make you secure. They will not conquer you for I am with you to protect and rescue you."

There's gotta be some purpose in all this.

6.) Anyway, school's out for the summer and Brett signed me up for an e-course on art and creative business as a Mother's Day gift so I am looking forward to that. And playing housewife.

7.) My baby boy is turning O-N-E in like 2 weeks! I cannot believe it! And, at the rate he's growing and learning, I would not be surprised if he's walking by then. Wow. He's such an incredible joy in my life, I am so blessed to be his mama....

Anything new with you?

Sunshine-y Spirit

2010-02-28T08:59:00.000-08:00

February is done.

Here comes March!

With it, Brett, Caleb, and I have a trip to Virginia planned to throw a surprise birthday party for my dad and experience a Crown of Life Fellowship Reunion... I'll get to see the church family that changed my life 18 years ago and introduce everyone to my husband and little man. For some of them, the last time they saw me I was probably 10 or 11 years old! What a crazy trip this will be! I am so excited to see everyone again. Crown of Life is where I was first introduced to Jesus, where I first felt His presence, read His word, worshipped Him with all I had. And the bonds I formed with my brothers and sisters in that place are completely priceless. I have not experienced such sincere fellowship like that since. God is so good to keep our hearts connected to each other like this... from the moment we met until we're partying it up in heaven. :)

It's kind of hard to believe that there are less than three months left of school to go! I am so thankful that the time always seems to fly by... there's one thing after another to look forward to! I recently found out that an art teacher friend of mine in the district is retiring. She is part of a Paideia school (www.paideia.org) and it is so interesting! She mentioned me to her principal so perhaps there is a transfer in my future. We'll see. But there's just something in the air... a feeling that I really need to treasure every moment, every memory, enjoy everyday. I don't know if it's because I won't always be here or just because the seasons of life are always changing. I just really want to be PRESENT in this moment.

And with that, I'm gonna take my baby for a walk in the sunshine. :)

Are you being conscious of your blessings today?

Save A Cat

2010-02-14T11:03:00.001-08:00

I finally finished reading Donald Miller's latest book, "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years". SO GOOD! It's different from his other books and, honestly, it didn't grab me right away but, after MEETING one of my favorite authors of all time, I had to check it out.

It's basically all about how he analyzed the elements of story and used that to try to actually LIVE an awesome story the first go 'round. Like, if your life was a movie, would anyone want to see it?

*PS They are actually making a Blue Like Jazz movie! Cannot wait! Check out the website www.bluelikejazzthemovie.com*

It really made me think about how I want to make memorable scenes in my own life.... and how I need to figure out what I want. Since a story is really just "A character who wants something and will overcome conflict to get it". I've loved movies from the time I was an infant. My mom said, when she was pregnant with me, she didn't pray for a healthy baby or any of that responsible stuff. :P She just wanted someone to go to the movies with her. And I did. From infancy. And she said I would always laugh right as the punchline was delivered, before the rest of the crowd caught on. :) I like that. But, what I mean is, I always escape into good stories, whether they're movies or awesome books. What if I was living such a compelling story, I didn't need an escape?

As usual, I have to include some of my favorite lines from the book, just to give you a taste.

"He was online most of the time, adjusting the lineup on his collegiate fantasy basketball team, or e-mailing people on Craigslist asking them whether the poodle they were selling could be trained to fight."

"He hadn't mapped out a story for his family. And so his daughter had chosen another story, a story in which she was wanted, even if she was only being used. In the absence of a family story, she'd chosen a story in which there was risk and adventure, rebellion and independence. 'She's not a bad girl,' my friend said. 'She's just choosing the best story available to her.' Jason decided to stop yelling at his daughter and, instead, created a better story to invite her into."

"My entire life had been designed to make myself more comfortable, to insulate myself from the interruption of my daydreams."

"People love to have lived a great story, but few people like the work it takes to make it happen."

"God wants us to create beautiful stories, and whatever it is that isn't God wants us to create meaningless stories, teaching the people around us that life just isn't worth living."

"I was living a story, a life designed and lived with intention. I was watching less television and enjoying being in better shape. And once you live a good story, you get a taste for a kind of meaning in life, and you can't go back to being normal; you can't go back to meaningless scenes."

"I think that's why so many couples fight, because they want their partners to validate them and affirm them, and if they don't get that, they feel as though they're going to die. And so they lash out. But it's a terrible thing to wake up and realize the person you just finished crucifying didn't turn out to be Jesus."

!!!!!

"If you watch the news and there's a tragedy at a house in Kansas, that guy's driveway connects with yours, and you'd be surprised how few roads it takes to get there. The trip taught use that we were all neighbors, that my life is connected to everybody else's, that one person's story has the power to affect a million others."

Worth a read, people. You'll get inspired. Guaranteed.

Listing....

2010-02-04T16:07:00.000-08:00

HELLO FRIENDS!!!

Where does the time go?

Wow, I've been a slacker!

Actually, I've not been a slacker. I've gotten up every morning at 5:15 to exercise before work.

I've been C O N S I S T E N T!

I've lost 10 lbs! :P

What else have I been up to?

I got my tattoo!

Esse Quam Videri

It's a reminder to actually BE what I can make myself APPEAR to be...

I turn the big 2 - 5 in two days!!!

I'm *hopefully* getting a bunch of people I care about to come out to Mellow Mushroom then Jillian's to celebrate with me.

My party is my birthday present.

This is what my cake will look like, sorta. Minus the 18.

Wanna come?

C'mmmooonnnnnn....... you know you do. ;)

I also have a job interview Saturday morning for a new school in Richland Two.

I'm really excited at the possibility of starting fresh... We'll just have to see.

Shouldn't there be a rule that they HAVE to give me the job as a bday present? :P

Hehe.

Caleb is doing good!

He's crawling... backwards. :P

And his two front teeth on top are coming in to match his two front teeth on the bottom that are already here. He'll have CHOMPERS!

So, what's new with you? ;)

A Fitting Response

2010-01-14T13:28:00.000-08:00

I really appreciate the blog entry one of my favorite authors, Donald Miller, wrote in response to the tragedy in Haiti and Pat Robertson's harsh comments.

Check it out:

http://donmilleris.com/

Continued...

2010-01-11T13:15:00.000-08:00

31. Do I surround myself with positive, life-affirming people who want the best for me?

Yes! All my friends really encourage me in different ways, strengthening me to be more of my multifaceted self. I bet most of them don't even know how much I appreciate them. It's funny... I still feel attached to friendships I made in Shandon's Newlywed Class, even though I've hardly ever got to hang out with them! Like Kitty and Jessica... genuine people with fun spirits and good hearts. I'm blessed just to have people like that in my life.

32. Am I a positive, life-affirming person?

I hope so! I want to be. I try my best to see the beauty in everything and everyone.

33. Am I giving enough time to nurturing/replenishing myself?

I haven't in the past and it certainly is tough to keep that a priority but that's a goal of mine for 2010. :P

34. What is my secret ambition?

Hehe, I guess it won't be secret anymore! Ummm... to own a thrift store, perform in a musical, publish a children's book I wrote and illustrated.

35. What do I want to be remembered for at the end of my life?

As someone who loved not wisely but too well. :)

36. What does success mean to me?

Feeling at peace at the end of every day, knowing I gave my all, glorified God, and was a blessing somewhere somehow to someone.

37. How can I add value to the life of others?

I like noticing things most people don't pay attention to, hearing what people barely say, remembering the little things. I let others know how much they matter by giving them thoughtful gifts, small cards, unexpected somethings to remind them someone cares. And more importantly that God cares... He loves us in ways the world just can't understand. :)

38. How can I serve?

I've learned through my few stints in ministry that I will serve any way I am needed, regardless of who notices, if it's what I want to do, or even if its what I'm comfortable doing. DO WORK!

39. What can I do better than anyone else?

I don't like comparing. It starts a ball rolling in my mind I just can't stop. I do Ashley Q the best way I know how.

40. What are my top three strengths?

Hmm, that's a toughie. I guess my resourcefulness, my thoughtfulness, and my determination.

Ok, that's it for now. Obligatory Baby Shot:

Happy NO Year!!! (for you Friends fans out there)

2010-01-01T15:46:00.001-08:00

I hope you all had a safe and blessed New Year celebration! :) I spent most of today reflecting on the past year and looking forward to the possibilities ahead of me. As I'm sure everyone is doing right now. Hehe.

2009 was a big year for me, most of all, of course, because I became a mother! It's still so unreal to me... what an honor. What an adventure. I can grow people. And cute people at that! Here's a pic that shows Caleb's cuteness and how patient he is with Mommy and her tendency to mess with him. :P

I am so stinkin' excited for 2010. I don't really know why I believe it so strongly but there's just something about turning 25 that really makes me think I am going to finally be able to overcome a lot of things I've wrestled with my whole life. I just know. I'm going to do it. I'm going to mean it. It's just going to get better. I'm claiming His promises and doing my part.

While I'm a month away from becoming the big 2-5, I have already started putting my big girl pants on. Knowing that I never keep resolutions, I made some life changes the week before New Year's Eve just to kinda test 'em out. ;P As absolutely insane as it sounds, I've decided that the only way for me to fit in daily exercise is to get up early to do it before I'm really conscious. Ha! I just know myself and I know I'm not going to come home from a full day of work on my feet to take care of Caleb and somehow put him DOWN and leave Brett to go exercise. Not gonna happen.

So, I've been VOLUNTARILY getting up at 5 AM (on my vacation, no less) to workout, have quiet time, and get ready for the day. It's been SOOOOO WONDERFUL! I've actually done it everyday. I guess because my mind isn't really awake yet, I can't come up with excuses not to! But it just feels so awesome to have accomplished something before my day has really even started... and it makes me want to make better choices all day. Such a blessing. Monday will really be the test though because I'll be attempting to keep it up while under pressure to hurry up and make it to work. But I think it's doable. ;)

What are your hopes and plans for 2K10? I don't think I'll ever get used to saying '10... I miss the '90s. :P

Peace on Earth

2009-12-27T18:28:00.000-08:00

God blessed us so much this Christmas.

All the drama of Thanksgiving was totally gone as Brett's parents braved the 18 inches of snow they received in Roanoke earlier in the week to drive down here to celebrate Caleb's first Christmas! That was really amazing, I totally expected them to forgo the trip. They were even kind enough to put on a straight face and eat what I attempted to cook for them... It was a humbling lesson in grace all in all.

We went to see the lights at Riverbanks Zoo. AWESOME! We had a dinner party at my house where I attempted (and pretty much failed...better luck next time) to provide the food. We opened gifts with my relatives in Cola and Brett and I even got a chance to go on a date to see Avatar. ;)

Caleb got TONS of stuff, even his own laptop since he always seems to want to play with mine or Brett's. Adorable! Brett got a Nook, I got a Flip, and Caleb already got his two front teeth so everybody got what they wanted. :D

Most of all, we got peace.

"Love is raining down on the world tonight There's a presence here I can tell God is in us, God is for us, God is with us Emmanuel He's the Savior we have been praying for In our humble hearts He will dwell God is in us, God is for us, God is with us Emmanuel"

Family Photos

2009-12-19T13:45:00.001-08:00

It's beginning to look a lot like CHRISTmas! :)

2009-12-14T15:29:00.000-08:00

17. Where do I want to go?

To the Riverbanks Zoo to see the lights with Caleb for his first Christmas. :)

18. Who do I want to meet?

All my friends together in one place for a minireunion. It feels like its been forever!

19. What adventures do I want to go on?

I'd love to be able to travel more. I refuse to believe that the time for that has come and gone just because I'm a mom now. The Spanish teacher at my school is here in the U.S. on a work visa and she spends every holiday break in a different tourist spot. It's not a bad idea. :) She's seen more of this country than I have and I'm a native!

20. Do I care too much about what others think of me?

Absolutely. Anybody know the cure?

21. Do I take offense too easily?

Probably. I wear my heart on my sleeve so often and invest so much of myself in all that I do, I take criticism too personally.

22. What makes me happy?

Making other people happy. :) Meeting needs. Giving gifts. Snuggling with my son. Kissing my husband. Watching children "get it".

23. Do I procrastinate?

Why wait? Procrastinate now!

24. Do I stand up for myself?

I'd like to think I do. But I'm more likely to stand up for others than for myself. I have a tolerance level and I will definitely speak up if you cross it but I'm more likely to forfeit my rights to keep the peace than make demands on principle.

25. Do I hold grudges?

I wish I could! Ha! No, I get really hurt and have a hard time forgetting but God doesn't seem to ever let me get away with keeping animosity in my heart towards someone. It's almost funny. I never seem to be able to move on without getting in awkward and unlikely situations where I am forced to take a hard look at myself and my own need for grace... then I have to forgive! :P Like, cmon God, my college nemesis just happens to win the housing lottery and move into the apartment with ME? *sigh* Ok, we'll make amends....

26. Do I constantly dwell on the past?

Not constantly. I reflect. But I also look forward. I need to spend more time in the present.

27. Do I let other people’s negativity affect me?

Too often.

28. Do I forgive myself?

That's harder than forgiving others.

29. Do I smile often?

Almost to a fault. People never know that I'm angry or sick because I just can't stop! ;)

30. Do I laugh often?

I do. Thank you Lord. :) I have many reasons to laugh in my life. But no one makes me laugh like my mama.

Roles

2009-11-28T13:11:00.000-08:00

What exactly is the role of a daughter-in-law? For that matter, what is the role of a mother-in-law?

It's got to be more than "the wife of one's son" or "the mother of one's husband". I think about Ruth and Naomi and I wonder if I could really stay with Joyce if something were to happen to Brett. I know times have changed but surely there is something special about their dynamic that should translate even today, right?

My father-in-law and I really have no problems, and I imagine few do. I tend to feel so bad that the problems Brett has with his mom (and, in turn, I tend to have with his mom) cause him to suffer, too.

I genuinely like my MIL as a person. If I were just to know her as a lady from church, I'm sure we would get along splendidly. But I know her beyond that. Perhaps it is the similarities we share that cause us to butt heads so often... I don't know. But I do know that my relationship with my MIL would be far less strained if we could nail down exactly what we each expect out of this "in-law" arrangement.

Am I supposed to be her friend? Spending time alone with her, listening to her share her stories, even if they cross "appropriate" familial boundaries, trying to defend her heart when she gets in arguments with my husband?

Or am I her daughter? Sharing equally with her actual children the weight of responsibility to remember her 40th anniversary and celebrate it accordingly, to know all her past family hurts and take that into account when uncomfortable topics of conversation arise, accepting blame when she says "I told you so" if I don't go along with her opinions of how I should live?

Or am I somewhere in between? Can I dance between both roles?

I don't want her to be my mother. I don't need her to be. I love the one I have. She was everything she was supposed to be to me and who she is helped form who I am. But I have always felt that my MIL wants me to be the daughter she never had (even though she does have a daughter).

Can I refuse such a heavy calling?

Feeling Violated

2009-11-24T16:57:00.000-08:00

Someone hacked into my Facebook account (phishing) and sent unwanted messages to a LOT of my friends, claiming to be me. Facebook shut me down and made me reset all my information.

We ordered pizza Thursday night from Papa Johns, who, apparently when you order over the phone, require you to give them the 3 digit security number on the back of your debit card. We believe that one of their employees took down all that info and used it to rack up $987.00 of unauthorized purchases. on Friday and Saturday. Well, the cops believe that, now that we have a police report. Bank of America put the money back in our account, cancelled my card, and will be issuing me a new one I should receive by the beginning of next week. Just in time to miss all the Black Friday shopping.

I tell you all this to explain my need to want to drop off the face of the earth for a while.

I need to figure out exactly what kind of life I want to be sharing with the world. I can't afford to be completely unconnected, as much as I would like to be, especially now. But there should be a professional me and then a separate, secure, and limited personal me.

Thank you to those who care to stay tuned.

All About Baby

2009-11-21T06:05:00.000-08:00

I have a friend who posts monthly on her child's progress. It's a great way to keep track and let friends and family know... I just can't keep up with Caleb!

Let's see.....

He's 5 months 10 days old. He:

recognizes his bottle and reaches out for it. He'll hold onto it but can't really hold it up himself.
sits up but tends to fall over if unsupported on one side.
grabs his feet.
eats 7 oz. 6 times a day... We need to start trying rice cereal again.
sleeps 8 hours straight at night.
laughs ALL THE TIME. Especially when I sing in silly voices.
Grabs everything! He's obsessed with my longer hair. The first (and only) time we've ever heard his angry cry - the "why-did-u-take-away-my-toy-give-it-BACK" cry - was when he had a grip on my hair and I took it away from him. The only way to get him to calm down was to give it back! Haha! So I just sat there holding him while he held onto me! Craziness!
talks a LOT. He'll wake up talking. He talks until he burps. He'll talk and sing and growl, too! I'm glad he's moved on from his shrieking baby phase when we started calling him a Pterodactyl! (and who knew that dinosaur had a silent "P" in it's name?)
smiles bashfully and turns his head into my shoulder. He does this a lot around girl. Sucha flirt.
learns from his daycare buddies. An 8 month old infant blows raspberries, Caleb *attempts* to blow raspberries. An 11 month old twirls around in the Johnny Jump-Up, Caleb spins on one foot. I don't know if I should encourage this behavior (copying what his friends do in HIGHSCHOOL won't be cool) but it's so cute now.
reaches out and touches my face. It's sooooo stinkin' precious. I tend to groom him like a mama monkey (picking at his hair, ears, nose) and he'll grab right back. :P
enjoys toys more. Not surprisingly, he loves the toys my mom gives him. My dog Cohan always favored her toys, too. She just has the magic touch. He particularly likes a Geico gecko, an alien from Ikea, and Cohan's tail. Hehe.
loves his red car walker (another Grandma gift) and bounces up and down in it more than he walks around (since we have carpet). But it lights up and makes noises when you hit different things and, when he hits the accelerator and it goes "vroom vroom", he goes B-A-N-A-N-A-S!
weighs at least 16 lbs. That's how much he weighed at his 4 month dr.'s visit but, man, he's gotta be heavier than that now!
has lighter hair now... I can def tell that it's getting blonder.
wears pants a lot more now than just onesies or onesies with feet (so cute) but it's so tough because the boy has SUPER LONG LEGS!
rolls over and pushes himself up a bit when given Tummy Time. He wants to crawl and he'll push with all his might with his STRONG legs but tends to push his arms back next to his body like a seal so he doesn't go anywhere. :P We need to work on that arm strength.
is starting to suck his thumb more than sticking his whole fist in his mouth but he still can't decide what he likes better.
holds his hands together and it is SO cute! But he's been doing that almost since birth.
sleeps on his side sometimes. That just seems crazy to me! He's always slept on his back, usually swaddled right, but I've caught him a few times turned halfway over, just curled up the way Brett and I do to sleep. Is that normal?
enjoys all kinds of textures, even paint! And he didn't try to put it in his mouth! He made his first creation with me a week ago and I 'bout cried.
flew in a plane and didn't freak out.
skypes with the grandparents in Roanoke, VA.
is a trooper when it comes to big shopping trips or long car rides.
drools like crazy and chews on everything... where are these teeth already?!?
adores music.
still has a bad mucus-y cough when he wakes up. :( Breaks your heart

I'm sure I am leaving stuff out and I cannot tell you exactly when he started to do everything but I hear my boy talking to himself now, waking up from a nap, so I'm going to go. :)

Nana and the Generational Passion

2009-10-30T14:15:00.000-07:00

I realize now just how little I know about my grandmother's story. No one in my family really knows her the way I wish I did. I wish I was old enough when she was around to ask her the real questions about who she was, what she thought, what she believed about things. I hear my grandfather's side all the time... how enamored he was of her, what she was good at...my mom and aunts have recollections of things she liked to do. I dunno, I just feel like there's more to her than I'll ever know.

She was never educated beyond very basic early education. She never got a driver's license. My mom, being the oldest child and remembering more of the early years of her mother's marriage than the rest, says she believes Nana had to make a lot of tough decisions and sacrifices in order to provide for 4 children... meaning her happiness rarely was a priority and she compromised more than she wishes she had to. I believe she was a fiesty woman, very intelligent, who knew how to get what she wanted/needed. She was relationally savvy. Strong.

One thing I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt is that my grandmother was a reader. She would stay up all night long to read my mother's college textbooks when she would come home from the dorms. Her bedroom was lined with books about all kinds of topics. She protested to get a bookmobile to start coming around the neighborhoods since she couldn't drive to the library and she would stock up on boxes of books at a time. She passed that love of reading onto my mother, who downright hoards books! And she passed it onto me. When I lived with her for a year in first grade, she would read with me every night. She even got me to read a book from the 5th grade reading list... it took me months! But she had me write a letter to the author when I was done! I even have the letter he wrote me back, congratulating me. Ha. Thinking about it, I have always had packed bookshelves my entire life and that makes me pretty weird.... I cannot recall more than 2 other friends who even bothered to read outside of school. Now I MUST read before bed, it's become a ritual of sorts.

There are certain books I devour over and over again. They usually have something to do with faith or art. I live in them. I've experienced them. Their underlined, high-lighted, dog-eared pages take me back to a moment in my life and evoke feelings in me intimate and powerful. Here are just a few, perhaps you'll find them meaningful, too.

Harold and the Purple Crayon - One of the earliest books I remember reading. I think this book actually started my love of the arts, too. It's about a boy who draws the world the way he wants it, creates very unique adventures for himself, and ends up back in the comfort of his own home.

Anything by Roald Dahl- I'm not sure how I got onto him. My Nana also had this unexplainable love for all things British and I guess that's how I discovered this unusual children's author. I collected all his books and wrote a review of Matilda in the Fredericksburg newspaper when there was talk of censoring his books.

Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging - Another Brit book! This is the first in a series about a preteen named Georgia Nicolson and it got me through those dreaded middle school years and made me laugh so hard I cried! It also created a whole new vocabulary for me.

Blue Like Jazz - Oh, Donald Miller, how do I love thee? I resisted this book like crazy in college because Campus Crusade for Christ was passing them out to freshmen new to campus so I assumed it must be some kind of Christian fluff lit. When I finally cracked open the cover, I couldn't BELIEVE how much I related to the thoughts and feelings of this seeking disciple. And the way he tells his unusual stories is just beautiful.

Anything by David Sedaris - Probably the complete opposite of Donald Miller! Homosexual, irreverent, and not a little flat out bizarre, this authors short stories shock me into laughter and turn the most mundane of everyday moments into downright riots! Not everyone can appreciate his views of the world or get his humor but I can like him anyway. :P

The Irresistible Revolution - Shane's books should be mandatory reads for every believer. He's honest and grounded and challenges readers to really live out their love for Jesus. It changed my life.

A Whole New Mind - I had to read this for an Art Ed class in grad school and I am so glad I did! It's so interesting and really well written. It talks about how important creative people are/will be in the work force of the future as technology makes things ever more efficient and worker bees aren't needed as much as brilliant innovators are. And I love the examples Daniel Pink uses, like how storytelling is becoming more important in the field of medicine because doctors need to be able to really hear what patients are telling them and put the pieces together, rather than just relying on a list of symptoms to diagnose illnesses. Makes you think....

An Illustrated Life - This is essentially a peek into the sketchbooks of a multitude of different kinds of artists. It feels like I'm getting away with something by even looking. :P Danny Gregory put this together and, like The Creative License (thank you Heather!) or any of his other books, it inspires me to slow down, really study the world around me, and feel free to capture it on paper the best I can. It got me drawing again. It reminded me of how beautiful this world really is and got me to worship in an entirely different way.

The Same Kind of Different As Me - This book is written by two people, going back and forth, telling their stories, and, eventually, their stories intertwine. It made me look at homelessness in a new way and challenged me to see beyond the surface of people, to love them better and learn from them. Sad and powerful. And it showed me what a difference one lil Christian can make.

Oh my goodness... there are so many more! What books impacted you?

Powerful Questions

2009-10-27T16:06:00.000-07:00

Heather emailed me a link to 99 Powerful Questions a long time ago and I'm just now getting around to answering them. I seem to need some motivation to get me reflecting... and blogging....

1. What do I want?

Out of life? I want to be content regardless of my circumstances. I want to bear fruit. I want to please God with how I live my life. I want to love better.

2. What am I grateful for?

My incredible husband who was made for me by God who loves me! My adorable son. Family. Friends who get me. My needs being met.

3. What’s missing in my life?

A workplace that makes me WANT to get out of bed and leave my family for a lil bit everyday. An easier way to see the important people in my life OFTEN.

4. Do I see the whole world anew each day?

Anew? Not like I should. Mercies are new every morning and too often I take that for granted.

5. Do I take the time to really listen to what others say?

I think I listen really well to people... I can tune into what they really mean even if they don't come out and say it. I need to learn to listen to G o d. I do far too much talking, wishing, whining....

6. Do I have fun?

YES! My mom laughs at me because she never knows what will come out of her mouth when I tell her what I've been up to.... from "I just went to the roller derby" to "I'm taking pole dancing lessons" to "I just went geocaching/treasure hunting around town" to "I built a fort with sofa cushions with Caleb and Brett". I love to laugh. I love to try things unexpected. Bring on the fun!

7. How can I bring more joy into my life?

I think joy will come into my life when I become more PRESENT. In this moment. Live right now.

What do you think?

news

2009-10-19T17:04:00.000-07:00

Brett, Caleb, and I flew to Ohio this weekend. What an adventure! Caleb did so wonderfully! He fussed a little during landing but other than that he was a rockstar! Brett gets together with his geek friends (they call themselves that) once a year an this year he wanted to show Caleb off.... In fact Brett was there last year when we found out I was pregnant! We all had a good time, ate too much food, marvelled at the cuteness that is Caleb, and came home so thankful to do nothing for a while!

My parents may be moving... Like in 2 weeks. They've struggled to accept the high mortgage on the dream house they built and my dad apparently made the rash decision to buy a doublewide trailor and just stop paying on the house! Understandably my mom is wigging out. I have no words. Seriously.

?!?

Work is... Work. The more I build a fulfilling life outside of it, the more frustrated I get when I'm there. I just know it could be better. I know it doesn't have to be this way. Hopefully someday I'll get to experience what it's like to NOT encounter a situation at work on a daily basis that makes your blood boil.

At least I get to come home to this:

Been Layin' Low

2009-10-07T15:25:00.001-07:00

We've been having a rough few weeks... Caleb's been sick, er, allergic, er, something. He's been coughing (sooo pitiful) and snotty for a long time now but, after being reassured from the doc that it's not any kind of flu - and without a temperature to speak of - we're just taking it day by day. Then poor Brett got sick! REALLY sick. And, lemme tell you, trying to take care of TWO sick men is not easy! Thankfully Brett's perking up now, just in time for our weekend trip to NC to visit my soon-to-be-mommy friend Cheryl! Soon after that we'll be FLYING with Caleb to Ohio! Def an adventure! Pix to come for sure.

Here's some to hold you over... Caleb in his comfy warm pjs taking his ills out on Daddy.

Ready....

Aim....

Fire!!!!

"Oh, no you didn't!"

"Oh, yes I did!!!"

Before he learns...

2009-09-23T13:05:00.000-07:00

So pure.

Everything about my son is honest.

One day soon he'll learn to lie. To hide the truth to appease others, to avoid pain, to get what he wants.

But now?

He needs. He wants. He hurts. He enjoys. He is, without any doubt or hesitation.

I love that.

I wish I could bottle it.

Testing 123...

2009-09-20T17:24:00.000-07:00

I just got an app on my iPhone that's supposed to let me blog. I'm playing with it right now.

I didn't do anything I planned on this weekend (like purge the nursery) but it was still really nice. My mom came down and the whole family got together for my uncle's birthday. I got the house cleaned up. I even got in some exercise! ;) Pretty sweet.

Brett and I also tagteamed naps this weekend because Caleb is teething and therefore NOT happy. I didn't realize it could start so early!!! Poor thing! Before you know it, he'll be driving! :P

Any teething tips?

No curfew :P

2009-09-15T17:19:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I'm always late.

I've confiscated one of Brett's laptops to take to school so now I should be able to update more frequently.

Let's see.... Brett and I celebrated our fourth wedding anniversary in Charlotte over Labor Day weekend. We got to see the Mint Museum, Concord Mills, South Park, and even watched the first Hokie game of the season. Good times. :)

School's going good. Always something tough about it but Caleb has made it so much easier for me to just leave it at work and enjoy being home with my family. Here's a new pic of him. I cannot wait to dress him up for Halloween! :P

I started a "new dance class" this Monday. I'm really not ashamed of it or anything but some may consider it inappropriate. I certainly got a workout! I don't remember the last time I was this sore! I felt pretty foolish, I'm so out of practice and I prolly hurt myself a lil.... But the ladies there were really nice and encouraged me not to give up, giving me props for trying to get active again after just having a baby 12 WEEKS AGO!

He just turned 3 months! I can't believe it! He's still only sleeping like 6 hours straight regularly (he has his 8 hours nights every now and then) but he's smiling all the time now and making noises like you wouldn't believe! SOOOO adorable! And, I don't know what it is, but he just giggles like crazy when he seems my mother-in-law. I know that makes her feel good. :)

Brett turned 30 LAST WEEKEND! Big day! We went to Roanoke to visit friends and family and had a good time. He's still 29 and holding though in his mind. :P I'm already thinking up plans for my 25th birthday that's coming up. Any ideas? I wanna go out all!

Turning that frown UPSIDE DOWN! :)

2009-09-02T06:47:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting at home, whimpering with strep throat, watching Little Women, one of my all time favorite movies. Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong time period....

We are in our third week of school, can you believe it?! Hence my sickness. :P Kids are always catching and spreading something. It's been nice to see some of my students from last year back again all grown up! It's amazing how different they can seem to me only three months later... I made a lot of changes in my classroom, rearranged seating, determined to tackle things differently and nip behavior issues in the bud. Still, there have already been struggles and I don't feel like I am making much difference. Particularly when, while I am out sick, I hear reports that my principal is upset with me and that a parent complained on me. Ugh. Now I'm ruminating on it. While I want to stew in my misery ("I just can't do anything right"), I am challenged to believe that love really does never fail and that God has a purpose in all of this. How big do I think He really is if I honestly tell myself that He can't help me here, that this is a hopeless situation, that there's nothing left to do but give up? While I am powerless, He certainly is not.

Being home with my baby boy makes me want to stay all the more but I have to trust that, somehow, good will come of this circumstance and it's all for a purpose.

*sigh*

This is what I'm repeating in my head.

My friend Kitty had a link to this message on her blog a while ago and it really spoke to me about the 23rd Pslam. (www.reviveourhearts.com) It doesn't say "The Lord is my Shepard. He gives me lots of work to do - a family to take care of, a class to teach, work to do at church, people to win to Christ. He makes me a good wife, a good mother, helps me get the job done." In that Psalm, the Lord is my Shepard, I shall not be in want, and He makes me lie down in green pastures and leads me beside still waters. I don't get to live there, as much as I'd like to just do what I want and focus on what I feel is important. I go out into the world and give what I've got then, when I am spent, He leads me back to a place of rest and refreshment (and often MAKES me) so He can fill me up again.

No wonder I get so easily discouraged. I am spiritually malnourished.

Sheep don't know when to quit. They just keep going and going. That's why they need a Shepard to lead them. Jesus was never in a hurry and look what He got done! :P

I like the way The Message put it....

"God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing.
You have bedded me down in lush meadows,
you find me quiet pools to drink from.
True to your word,
you let me catch my breath
and send me in the right direction.

⁴ Even when the way goes through
Death Valley,
I'm not afraid
when you walk at my side.
Your trusty shepherd's crook
makes me feel secure.

⁵ You serve me a six-course dinner
right in front of my enemies.
You revive my drooping head;
my cup brims with blessing.

⁶ Your beauty and love chase after me
every day of my life.
I'm back home in the house of God
for the rest of my life."

My cup DOES brim with blessings.

A fresh blessing? That I am married to my very best friend! I am going to get better before this weekend because Brett and I are celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary!!! :D I get to see him everyday and kiss him whenever I want and experience all of life's adventures with such a wonderful partner! Having been in a long distance relationship with him for y e a r s, I feel so thankful just to be near such an incredible man. :) He is home. Home is what matters.

Ok, I've worn myself out just sitting up to type this! :P Back to bed I go.

Hi-dee-ho and Toodle-Loo

2009-08-16T14:15:00.000-07:00

Hi-dee-ho there!

Caleb's doing great in daycare. There are always at least two older women working at all times and, when Brett drops him off in the morning, there's only one other baby there so he gets one-on-one attention. Even on the busiest afternoons, I've only seen maybe 8 babies there when I pick him up and I can handle a 4:1 ratio. The first day I picked him up, I had rushed over, having spent the day a pretty emotional wreck, only to find him happily smiling in a swing (which we don't have) in the middle of the rug, SURROUNDED by crawling girl babies! He had been JUST FINE, making lots of girlfriends it seemed. Hehe, that made me feel better.

Students start back tomorrow. This past week was good, getting reacquainted with my coworkers and setting up my room. I even got permission to do this "experimental" curriculum with all my extra time slots in my schedule. Because there are fewer teachers, I have fewer classes this year and, thank you GOD, I was able to convince my administration to let me spend almost an entire day in a second grade classroom figuring out ways to incorporate art into everyday subject matter rather than tutoring math or running errands for classroom teachers. I'm actually really excited about this and, I know now, if I can pull it off and prove that it is beneficial to the students (ie make my boss look good) I can keep it up so, here's hoping!

While having professional development time with all the arts teachers in the district, we heard a guest speaker compare our school lives to the Wizard of Oz....

I am Dorothy, a scrappy and resourceful risktaker who forges fast friendships, sees possibilities in challenges, and often denies my own power ("Are you a good witch or a bad witch?" "Why I'm not a witch at all"). I know what I want, know I face obstacles, and know I need help! Luckily, I, as Dorothy the art teacher, tend to be the central connecting character at my school!

I find myself in munchkinland where they are trying to figure out if I am good or evil. I have good witches in my life (muses and mentors) and bad witches (people just out to get me for reasons I can't figure out).

In my school community, I know the gatekeeper (extreme rule follower), Toto (my always faithful friend), the Scarecrow (my coworker who may lack brains sometimes but def makes it up with enthusiasm), the TinMan (who's circumstances left him stuck but often becomes my knight in shining armor), and the Cowardly Lion (who's bark is worse than his bite).

I journey with them through the school year, helping each other as we go, until I finally realize that I just need to click my own heels (be my own advocate) to make it home (where I am happy).

It was an interesting analogy and I think it did me good to see some of the people I work with in that light.

Anywhoo, hopefully I will make time to blog again before another month has gone by. I am reading an excellent book my husband got me, The Illustrated Life, about artists sketchbooks and challenging yourself to draw everyday, to slow down and look at the world...it's inspiring me to actually practice my craft. Maybe I'll post some of my drawings sometimes. If not for New Years, then def for my 25th birthday, I'm going to start a new sketchbook that I'll do a self-portrait in everyday. Cool huh?

Toodle-loo!

Reality, Ugh.

2009-07-28T09:03:00.000-07:00

I gave myself a deadline and, since I go back to school on the 10th, starting the first of August, I will begin acting as if I'm already back at work... that means going to bed on time, getting up and having a normal routine, working on lesson plans as much as possible during the day, etc. Brett has been amazing and discovered a really good way of swaddling Caleb with two blankets that somehow gets him to sleep nearly 6 hours straight so hopefully this will keep up and we'll all get good sleep.

But this plan is making the reality of having to put Caleb in daycare all the more inevitable. We agreed on Gateway near our house and I like that its a bunch a older women who take care of the infants but, still! I don't like leaving him with strangers! Even nice ones!

I'm still trying to accept that fact that I will always be working... as much as now I'd like to stay home even just until he's school aged, being that I carry all the insurance and benefits, it's just not going to happen. Now both Brett and I are just desperately trying to come up with ways that he can work from home this time next year. Caleb's gotten so attached to me lately that I was crying the other night, thinking of someone else holding him all day, so Brett said he was really going to try whatever it took to make sure he'd only be in daycare this one year... while he's so little he won't remember any of this and we'll just be missing him eating, pooping, and sleeping.

I know it effects me more than Caleb.... and I KNOW I broke my mama's heart when she had to drop me off at daycare growing up... just please pray for us because this transition is not going to be easy.

Thank you.

Out of State Adventure

2009-07-27T17:28:00.001-07:00

Brett, Caleb, and I had a wonderful weekend in Richmond!

Caleb did amazingly well in the car... either quietly mesmerized by his reflection or sleeping for two hours straight. We headed to my parents' house Friday night and enjoyed the break as they practically drooled all over him. :P They took care of Cohan for us since our hotel was not dog-friendly and mom said he was by her side the whole time.

When we got to Virginia, we had time to kill before check-in so we spotted a Dave and Buster's and met Rozanne and her daughter Madison for lunch. Madison's two and was all over "da baby". Roxanne's like a sister to me so I feel like our kids are practically related but, ya never know, Caleb's already pretty interested in older ladies. ;)

Roxanne was the first in a long list of new people Caleb got to meet. One of my best friends from highschool, Patrick, drove down from Fredericksburg to meet him. My friend Becky, who lives in town, came by our hotel to catch up and it did my heart so good to see her! We meet Brett's aunt and uncle for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. Then, the next day, after some fun shopping at Urban Outfitters, we went to my friend Amanda's wedding and Caleb and I got to sneak in beforehand to see the beautiful bride.

Here are some pix of Caleb's new friends....

And here's just some funny stuff I saw while we were shopping. A thumb-wrestling ring and an icecube tray that looks like teeth. :P

Oh! And my wonderful husband had a surprise for me when we got home....all this stuff from my Amazon wishlist! He won a giftcard and just wanted to bless me! SOOOO thoughtful!

Is it Thursday already?

2009-07-16T06:34:00.001-07:00

*sigh*

I'm so in love with this kid.

Anyway, I think posting regularly on here is def not going to happen... but HI! :)

Heather is here! *woohoo* Just knowing she's in my city makes me happy. :) I got to thrift with her and her mommy and she even spent the night to watch Caleb so Brett and I could have a date and a night of sleep! How amazing is she?!? We finally saw Transformers and, aside from being THREE HOURS LONG, it wasn't bad. Brett was very sweet and we had a great talk at dinner. Even though I am not down to my prebaby weight or anywhere near where I want to be, he kept talking about how beautiful I am and how he thought so all throughout the pregnancy. I told him that I just feel like more of a woman now and he said it shows... there's just a confidence there that wasn't there before and it looks good on me. ;) Sweetness.

I actually braved Sam's Club alone with Caleb yesterday! Talk about brave! But he did good. Me trying to wheel him around a huge warehouse while manuevering giant cases of Mt.Dew and gallon jars of peanut butter? Not so good. :P But we survived. I'm feeling more comfortable leaving the house with him now but I'm still overly cautious. I just about burst into tears when he seems to be struggling with gas! I can't imagine what I'd do if he actually got injured somehow. I've never wanted to alleviate someone's suffering more. Good thing I'm not God....

Here's another pic of the boy. ; ) He loves sitting up looking at everything. I think I'll go have a staring contest with him now....

Blowing Kisses...

2009-07-04T18:46:00.000-07:00

This is Caleb's Blue Steel look. If you've never seen Zoolander, stop what you are doing and go watch it immediately. :)

Life is good.

I feel the sting of conviction (*not condemnation) for not having consistent quiet times for some time now. But I fellowship with God everyday... loving on my baby, singing praises, and PRAYING. A. ALOT. But when I give myself a moment to reflect (which, nowadays is rare so it's usually in the shower! ha!), I see just how much God has been loving on me through the people in my life.

Brett's been a sweetheart and has taken over the night shift on this three day weekend so I could get some rest and I actually feel like a human being again! Woohoo!

Precious friends from Virginia came to visit me this week and it refreshed me so much to be around people who just get me. Relationships really are worth the investment and I feel so blessed to know people who would drive 12 hours just to see me for an afternoon.

And Heather's coming next week! Another amazing friend traveling a long way! She never fails to inspire me, snap me out of my funks, and remind me how to have fun. I can't WAIT to hang out with her!

I hope to get a better grip on this new life and be able to have some kind semblance of a routine soon.... but, until then, God and I will just keep blowing kisses to each other. ; )

Enjoy the freedom you have, not only in America, but to experience love in so many ways. Happy 4th to you all!!!

We Did It!

2009-06-25T05:45:00.000-07:00

We had our first real adventure out of the house with Caleb last night.

Sure, we went to the lactation center with him when he was 4 days old. Yes, we went to BobBob's on Father's Day carrying all his accessories in tow. But last night we just felt like Marble Slab and took a family trip. And we used the stroller for the first time. :)

Pushing him around Sandhills in the warm night, hearing all the "ooo"s and "awww"s, and showing him to my favorite ice cream jockey (who saw me pre-pregnancy, during, and now met my lil man) was just too fun. And he did soooo good for only being 13 days old! Caleb loves anything with wheels. He's an excellent car baby and he was just super content riding along in the stroller, arms folded in his lap, looking at everybody. TOO CUTE!

I'm so blessed to have such a good baby! :)

Prayer Request

2009-06-23T06:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was quite a blissful day and night. Brett got to spend some quality time with Caleb all night after he got home from work which was really needed because it was looking like Caleb wanted to fuss everytime Brett was home and he was def getting discouraged. I don't know what it is... if he can just sense Brett's stress or if he genuinely just gets fussy at around the same time every night. But yesterday was a glimpse of how it could be. Caleb and Brett bonded and he pretty much hung out with us with minimal crying. I had the help I needed from Brett because he was able to just relax and concentrate on being HOME. I even got some sleep! Like 5 hours in a row! AWESOME.

My prayer request is this.

Brett is continuing to work two jobs. He works full time during the weekdays and then comes home 4 nights a week and answers technical questions by email for a Christian company that makes programs for handheld devices like phones and palm pilots. He's done it for 6 months. It wasn't easy on us before we had Caleb and now it's REALLY HARD.

We don't need the money. Really. I would much rather trade his little extra salary for having Brett home with us not stressed out. But Brett doesn't want to bail on them when they're going through a difficult time (the founders have even gone without pay for a few months). He's honoring his committment and I do respect that. And this is the "work from home" job Brett has always wanted and has always hoped will turn into something full time. It's just not headed that way any time soon. I don't want to take away the job he actually cares about.

But I don't know how long I can take it.

Four nights a week I am on my own. Completely. Brett desperately tries to finish working the emails before 1 AM anyway and add a screaming baby on top of that and he gets scary frustrated. I don't like it one bit. And nights like last night just show me how much simpler and happier all of us would be is he just worked one job.

Is it too much to ask? I just keep thinking about when I have to go back to work in the fall and how I'm not really going to be happy about it but I'll do it. Plenty of people work when they're not 100% happy with it. I just can't imagine me working all day and coming home to him working MORE and I'm alone with Caleb. Not only is it hard on me but Brett's really missing out on time with his son. *sigh*

Please pray that Brett and I will sense God's will about what to do. Either soften Brett's heart about quitting the extra job, giving him peace and joy. Or soften mine about him working so much, giving me patience and strength to handle it all. Or whatever needs to happen. I just feel like we're trying to do too much without God's direction.... and there's no peace in that.

He's Here!!! :D

2009-06-18T11:57:00.000-07:00

I am so sorry I haven't posted! It's been quite a week!

Caleb Michael Quam was born last Thursday night, June 11th, at 7:15 pm. He was 7 lbs. 8 ounces and 20 inches long. Oh... and he's PERFECT! :)

I was induced that morning at 6:30 am and lasted most of the day just fine. They put me on magnesium because my blood pressure was high (but only until my water broke...on it's own!) and I had an epidural around 4 that afternoon. I started pushing with just Brett and my awesome nurse Brittani at 6 and, when the doctor showed up at 7, he decided to use the vacuum to give Caleb a lil extra help making his grand entrance. The very next contraction, out he came!

I spent the night in the high risk area because I lost a lot of blood during delivery so Caleb spent his first night in the nursery on formula... I swear, breastfeeding is harder than pregnancy and labor combined! But now that we're home and I have a pump, both of us are a lot less frustrated.*Thank you Jesus* He's sleeping 3-4 hours at a time and loves to have his diaper changed... I think he just likes getting out of his clothes. :P

My mom is down right now since Brett returned to work Tuesday so I am getting the rest I need to heal. I'm just so excited Brett, both our dads, and both of my grandfathers (YES, my dad reconciled with his long lost dad! He even flew him in from Oklahoma for the birth!) all get to celebrate Father's Day with Caleb this year!

Check out Facebook for more pix and my cousin Shelley's blog (lanpherfamily.blogspot.com) for more details. :) I'll post again whenever I can!

Thank you soooo much for all your prayers and support!

Jesus loves the little children....

2009-05-23T17:26:00.000-07:00

I don't understand why my district decided to have school on Memorial Day (Brett gets to stay home! Awww man!) but this Monday will be my last Monday of this school year! Woohoo! 6 more days! Yeah, we hafta come in on Saturday to clean out our rooms but the end is in sight! Then it's nothing but babytime! :)

Speaking of babies, check out these pics I took of my precious 4 year old students. Such beautiful children! They never failed to make my day!

It's Going Well...

2009-05-17T13:20:00.001-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted in forever. School is almost over. I'm taking life one day at a time. The pregnancy is going great. We went to a PreChildbirth class and both Brett and I feel much more prepared... er, at least we know some things to expect so we won't be freaking out as much. :P We even got to tour the hospital so I know where all the action will be going down. A friend of mine from bible study who was due around the same time as me has already had her little girl.... I WANT CALEB TO COME ON! :) I just can't wait to meet him.

This is the last full week of school with no frills. Next week we have field day and kindergarten/5th grade graduations. I feel confident about my plans for next school year and things I want to change. I am thankful I went through this year so I know what to expect and what to prioritize the second time around. I know I need to stick around for the next two weeks to get artwork passed out and finish preparing sets for graduation and to say goodbye to my lil ones but everyday I pray will be the day my little man comes along and my world gets turned upside down.

Brett has amazed me more and more every single day. He's matured even more right before my eyes and I feel so incredibly blessed to have a partner like him to go through all these adventures in life. He wants to be a better man, better husband, better father. He works so hard. His heart is just so good. We met six years ago and I've adored him more and more everyday since then. My heart just fills up looking at him and I am so honored to be the mother of this children.

*sigh*

God is so good to me. I hope I can glorify Him by the way I live my life.

My Rope's End [Revised]

2009-04-30T15:15:00.000-07:00

After some emotional time with God, a helpful hint from my cousin Shelley, and a convicting reminder from a friend about complaining, I decided to edit my previous post.

If you missed it, basically my boss and I don’t see eye to eye in many cases and I got my feelings hurt by the way she treated me and my coworkers during my time of “recovery” this week. I just really long for a less hostile work environment.

God really uses my work experiences to teach me lessons. Hard lessons. Humbling lessons. But ones I know I will somehow need in the future.

Because of my job experience in South Carolina, I know that, should the need arise, I could be very sympathetic and understanding to the plight of people enduring racial discrimination. I’ve been through it. I will never stop fighting for the underdog, particularly in the education system where the underdog unfortunately tends to be the teachers who work the hardest and the students who struggle the most with disabilities. I will never take for granted the supreme blessing it is to have a boss who shares your faith, knows your heart, and respects you as a person.

There is always a purpose for the pain in life. I don’t know if God will lead me into a position of advocacy and influence in the future to change some of the problems I’ve seen or if this is just a season of my life that will teach me to appreciate simple blessings and rely more heavily on His grace. It’s not for me to know. It’s for me to trust in His promises and keep on loving.

Exodus 14:14- The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.

Joshua 1:9- Have not I commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Psalm 16:8- I have set the Lord always before me: because He is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my tongue rejoices: my body also shall dwell secure.

Proverbs 16:7- When a man’s ways please the Lord, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.

2 Corinthians 12: 9- My grace is sufficient for you: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.

Psalm 30:5- Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

John 15:16- You have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you, and ordained you, that you should go and bring forth fruit and that your fruit should remain.

Galatians 5:13- By love serve one another.

2 Chronicles 15:7- Be strong therefore, and let not your hands be weak: for your work shall be rewarded.

Philippians 2:13- For it is God who is at work you to make you willing and able to obey His purposes.

The last 4 days...

2009-04-27T10:21:00.000-07:00

Shelley got married this weekend! We went to Myrtle Beach on Friday and saw everybody party it up. Saturday Brett and I were able to sneak off to Bummz, our classic beach eatery, for lunch and then it was all girly prep time. Shelley was flipping GORGEOUS and the beach ceremony was so beautiful. They did this special thing instead of lighting the unity candle... they had different colored sand that represented each of them and then they poured it into one container together to symbolize how no one can separate the two of them. :) So sweet! The reception was so much fun! Open bar (that others enjoyed), hawaiin buffet, great cake, and fun dancing! ALL NIGHT LONG! And I didn't flub up my toast! ;) I am so stinkin happy for them!

Myrtle Beach had been declared a disaster area because of wild fires Friday but Saturday was perfect. Sunday the entire place was covered with residual smoke so it was really a blessing how everything worked out. Now the happy couple is on their way to Vegas for a week!

MY DRAMA that almost made the weekend impossible was due to my apparent clumsiness. Friday, while frantically running around packing, I whacked my right foot against a door frame. It hurt REALLY BAD immediately but I could hobble along so I thought I was ok. I broke my toes in high school at dance camp and toughed it out like a big girl, this'll be no problem. Then Saturday, I start limping and EVERYONE I SEE gasps in horror at how HUGE my whole foot and ankle had gotten. How could I make it down the aisle as a bridesmaid? Very Carefully! I made it THROUGH THE SAND by hobbling on my heel and survived the night ok... not a lot of dancing for me at the reception. :( Sunday the swelling looked like it had gone down and we made it home ok then I go and let Cohan out in the backyard AND HIT MY FOOT AGAIN. I crumble to the floor in pain and can't even stand up. Brett carried me around all night and makes me call out of work the next day to go to the doc. Doctor says? I broke two toes and sprained me ankle... have to stay off it until Thursday. :( There is a lot I have to do at work this week, preparing for the district art show, this is NOT the time for me to call in sick.... plus I KNOW my boss is pitching a fit. Grrr....

Cohan Scare

2009-04-27T10:12:00.001-07:00

Last week Cohan got sick three days in a row. When he started going both ways right in front of us as if he had no control whatsoever, we immediately took him to the emergency vet. Those places kinda weird me out... I am grateful for their services but at the same time I think they can be opportunistic in a family's vulnerable hour. They wanted to cut him open and do all kinds of exploratory tests but, while Brett was in shock over the $1800 estimate they gave us, I negotiated simple blood work and xrays just to rule out the super serious scary stuff.

While we waited there an hour or so, another woman came in with a shitzu that was totally nonresponsive. She must have been a dog breeder because we could hear her through the walls pleading with the vet, offering him any other dog she owned if he could just admit her shitzu. They refused treatment until she could pay (a previous balance? I dunno) $400 and we had to listen to her frantically call everyone she knew on her cell phone and beg for money. BROKE MY HEART! Naturally, I started to cry and thought about how devastated I would be if I lost Cohan. Eventually, she got her actual vet to open up after hours and care for her dog so she left... I hope everything turned out ok.

The emergency vet said Cohan was alright to go home but to see our real vet in the morning if he showed any further symptoms (which he did). She gave him antibiotics for a week and special food and he seems to be back to his normal self again. THANK YOU GOD! He's my eldest son... I cannot even think about losing him.

Exciting!

2009-04-09T15:24:00.000-07:00

Brett and I went to see "Fast and Furious" last night... one of our last middle-of-the-week-just-because-we-can dates ever I'm sure. It wasn't too bad for a total guy movie. At least it had a plot. ;)

But the previews (my FAVORITE part about going to the movies) reminded me just how many awesome new movies are going to be coming out soon!

Of course, there's
X-Men Origins: Wolverine May 1. (CANNOT WAIT!)
Star Trek (looks SUHWEET) May 8.
Termination Salvation May 21 (mmm... Christian Bale)
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen June 24
Public Enemies July 1 (my two favorite actors TOGETHER? Johnny Depp and Christian Bale?!? YUM!)

Then there's all kinds of other more kid-friendly movies I'm excited to see, too. Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, Up, Ice Age 3, G.I. Joe, and Where the Wild Things Are! Ha!

My mom said that, aside from good health and all that stuff parents pray for for their children, she specifically asked God to give her a child she could go to the movies with. She got me. ;P Prayers answered. She said even as a lil baby I would never pitch fits at the movies and I would always laugh immediately after a funny moment, before the rest of the audience caught up. :) I hope Caleb will take after his mommy that way. Hehe.

I need sunshine.

2009-04-07T14:17:00.000-07:00

It's been wayyyy too long, I know. I'm sorry.

I'm on spring break this week -- THANK YOU LORD! But it doesn't feel like spring when the sun refuses to shine two days in a row. Boo. I even encountered a lil hail today. HAIL! Sheesh.

Anyhoo, immediately after my last shower I got really sick for like a week. By Thursday I was so out of it I laid down for a nap at 3:30 and didn't get up until the next morning at 10! Ha! I couldn't really take any medication so sleep, sleep, and more sleep did the trick. By that Monday I was well enough to make it back to work for the last week before break and it was pretty good. EVERYONE needed the break so the week kinda flew by, always a plus. There was some unfortunate drama with a coworker, though. She tends to get mad at me for one reason or another then refuse to look or speak to me for a few days until I apologize for whatever I did that offended her. It's really childish to throw tantrums like that and, though I apologized (AGAIN), she still wasn't speaking to me as of the Friday before we left. I guess you don't HAVE to make friends with the people you work with.... I just always try to live in peace with people and it upsets me when people don't accept my apology. I've never been on the other end of that equation.

My boss also gave out new contracts Friday and I got one for next year but she made it crystal clear that it was by the skin of my teeth. She's "not impressed with my classroom management skills" and "has let people go for less" and "if there's not a marked improvement next year we won't be having this conversation" I'll just be gone. I've tried so hard all year! There are def things I'm going to change next year as far as how my classroom is arranged and what clear steps I will take when there are behavior issues but, man, it's hard to bounce back from a meeting like that.

So, basically, my spring break has consisted thus far of trying to learn how NOT to care.

Still workin' on that one....

For those of you not on Facebook...

2009-03-23T14:23:00.001-07:00

Here are some pictures from My Journey to Mommyhood.

Brett wore his "Happy Dad" tshirt :P

2009-03-22T18:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was shower #2 and, again, totally awesome. People traveled from all over and it was just miraculous to look around the room and see God's goodness.... friends from all the different facets of my life gathered in one place to show support for me and the lil guy. I just can't tell you how amazing it feels to see all those smiling faces and know that God is loving you through the people in your life. *UH-mazing*

I got to see one of the best friendsI've had my entire life all the way from Mississippi, girls from grad school and church, and even a girlfriend of mine who just had her own baby three weeks ago! What a treat! Not only was I impressed that her hubby agreed to handle the lil one ON HIS OWN so she could step out for a while but my friend has lost 30 POUNDS since the delivery! Breastfeeding does a body good! I'm looking forward to that... haha!

It's so easy to feel alone when you get caught up in the day-to-day grind....it was really good for my heart to be around friends and family and to be reminded of the support system I do have. There were some faces I missed Saturday and, though I really was having so much fun it didn't get me down, it reminded me that friendships are worth the effort and I hope everyone out there knows how much I cherish them.

Life is changing more and more everyday but some things (*ahem* people) are forever.

Can't ya just feel the love?! ; D

Totally Blessed

2009-03-16T12:52:00.000-07:00

I just got back from spending the weekend in Virginia. 6 hours one way in the backseat of a truck while 7 months pregnant? Not so fun. But surprisingly bearable.

My mom was too cute with all her preparations for my first shower. She made all these favors with blue M&Ms in baby food jars, came up with silly games, and arranged for friends and family from all over Virginia to party at Friendly's, one of my high school hangouts. And as much as my dad always fought the idea of me growing up and Brett and I having kids young, he is sooooo excited to be a grandpa. I swear, at every pitt stop, he pointed my belly out to the cashier and said "my grandson's in there". :P Too cute.

I AM SO AMAZED at how many people showed up! My high school friends from all over, college girls driving down from DC, Aunt Alessa driving up from Richmond, and even these friends of the family from Bridgewater, like 5 hours away, drove to Fredericksburg and back just for the party! It meant so much to me that people still care for me that much.

And I got so many great things! Lots of stuff from our registry and even adorable handmade blankets and hats. Too cute! Now that the nursery is painted, I really need to start tearing through everything and putting stuff away. I have a lot of thank you cards to write!

The fellowship was the sweetest gift of all. Some of these girls I haven't seen since my wedding! It really touches your heart when you realize that some friendships are forever, no matter what. My parents and I got to stay with the Thompsons, my second family, and it's always just a joy to be in their presence. There's something about their home that just makes everything feel right. Madison is flippin' adorable and I got to change my very first diaper (ahh!). I got to really have a nice talk with Roxanne and Donald and that's a rare and precious thing. I just felt surrounded by family and the time together was just delicious.

We made it back home to SC last night but, with all the laundry to do, things to unpack, and things to get ready for this week, I decided my day would be better spent at home. And I have gotten TONS done so it's well worth it. I would not have been a nice person today at school.

One of my best good friends Heather is in town this week so I've made plans with her. Yay! And I've got a lot of errands to run and things to get ready before company comes in this weekend for my second baby shower.

Things are movin' along. : )

What goes through my mind at 7:30 AM, crap, I mean 8:30 AM now...grr Daylight Savings

2009-03-08T06:23:00.000-07:00

Is it really ok for me to lay down roots? Is it safe? Is it crazy? How am I suppose to grow if I don't?

Can others see my fruit?

Art is a lot like prayer.

I must decrease and He must increase.

Sin is just missing the mark. It could be as simple as aiming for one thing when I should be aiming for something else.

Do I really hafta bless my enemies? Cmon God...

I still struggle everyday to remember who I am.

Is it easier to base my life on other people's expectations than to determine them for myself?

Random Sidenotes

2009-02-24T13:03:00.000-08:00

JUST SO YOU KNOW: I adore my husband and, aside from his passion for all things computer related and the time that takes away from me, he's absolutely perfect. :)

I got my hair cut Sunday. I just felt like something different. So I have bangs now. :P And BOY did my students take notice. After profusely denying to many, MANY students that I was wearing a wig, it's apparently been decided by the whole school population that I am now Hannah Montana. Whoopie! :P

Insight from this morning- From My Utmost For His Highest
"If our devotion is to the cause of humanity, we will be quickly defeated and broken-hearted, since we will often be confronted with a great deal of ingratitude from other people. Therefore let the love and driving passion of pleasing Christ alone be our motivation."

The Definition of "Uncool"

2009-02-22T06:14:00.000-08:00

Hubby and I had a great day Friday.

We did an amazing job organizing and cleaning the house all day Saturday.

He stayed off the computer and spent time with me so, in honoring our "happy wife, happy life" clause, I said I didn't mind if got on Warcraft and played with his buddies.

He deserved it. Who am I to deny him fun?

But you know that expression "give em an inch and they'll take a mile"?

Guess who drank a 2 liter of Mt.Dew to stay up 10 HOURS to play nonstop?

Ya, my man.

He began playing at 8 so I decided to leave the house for the first time all day and run some errands.

Got home at 9, still laughing through his head phones.

I gave up the fight and went to bed alone around 10.... he's in the office.

Baby kicking, have to toss and turn, check the clock.... 1 am. Still alone in bed.

Not surprised. I just assume he's finishing up.

Dog wakes me up whining to go to the bathroom...check the clock... 6 AM. NO HUSBAND IN BED.

I waddle out there to let the dog out and catch my hubby quickly turning off the monitor.

*sigh*

So I've been awake for three hours, he's been asleep for three hours.

Very uncool.

As You Wish

2009-02-20T15:19:00.001-08:00

I've been pretty sick all week, fighting my sinuses.... terrible ear aches, headache, runny nose, sore throat, etc. But I went to school. I was a good girl.

So today I decided to play hooky.

I finally got doctoral permission to take some Sudafed last night so I was feeling better today. Still, I thought it best to take the day off so as not to push it.

The best part?

Brett actually honored my request and took off with me!!!

We slept in, went to IHOP for breakfast, ran around to Best Buy and the mall on the other side of town, then took in a movie. It was sooooooo flippin' perfect.

Brett's been doing a "part time" technical support job for an online Christian company for a few weeks now so I don't see him much at night. And my parents have come to stay with us the last two weekends to check on BobBob and put together nursery furniture so we haven't had alone time in forever. Today was sweet in every aspect of the word.

I think it should be mandatory to do this in marriages, even when you have kids. Make em go to school and stay home with your man. :P

Works wonders....

Job Security

2009-02-09T13:51:00.001-08:00

There's been a lot of talk lately about cuts in educational funding in South Carolina. Particularly in my district, I know that nothing is secure right now. My principal is forced to let go several classroom teachers which means larger class sizes and less of them.... which, at best could mean I'd be cut to part time and have to travel between two different schools to earn my full time pay and benefits, at worst, could mean I no longer have a job because other older art teachers in the district would be travelling to my school. I seriously doubt there will be any full time art positions open in the district and, if there are, they will no doubt be saved for veteran teachers.

Somehow, I am not worried. I have a calmness about me. I'm not panicked like nearly everyone else at my school (let alone teachers I know in other districts).

I know God will take care of me.

While it would be kind of nice to work part time and be able to stay home with the baby and I really think Brett and I could make the changes necessary to make it work but the most important thing is that all of our benefits are through my job.... : /

I just wish I knew already what is going to happen. I've sent my resume to the HR person at Lexington Two because there's an anticipated vacancy posted for a middle school art teacher next year... ugh, I just don't want to be that girl that moves schools every year.

?

Happy Birthday Weekend!

2009-02-08T06:12:00.000-08:00

I feel so loved. As my mom would say... I am blessed and highly flavored!

Friday night my family and several good friends went out to dinner then came back to my house for a ridiculous amount of cake and ice cream. It's always so nice to see people from all the different aspects of my life (family, church, work) get together under one roof! And Shelley and Ray are rapidly disappearing before our eyes (post pictures girly!)

Saturday morning Mom, Stephanie, and I went to CLEAN SWEEP, the statewide indoor yard sale put on by the Columbia Junior League. Uhhhh.... AWESOME?!? The place was packed but so well organized. Heather, I got almost the entire set of old timey Oz books for $2.oo! We were, literally, kids in a candy store. I have a feeling this is going to become a yearly tradition.

Then, when I got home, my parents helped me organize the garage and move ALL THAT JUNK from our old office into it to make room for the baby furniture! And it was done with surprising speed actually. I am amazed. The boys put together the rocker and the dresser and the weekend after next dad is coming back to help Brett put together the changing table and the crib. I AM SO EXCITED! It all looks so beautiful! This is really happening!

I'm a very happy girl right now.

Counting Down

2009-01-31T06:29:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I'm just more conscious of it now because I know he's in there or if he's just been really active lately but THIS BOY CAN KICK! Yesterday at work I was wearing my ID badge and it hit my body about at my belly... all of the sudden, in the middle of class, it popped up! The baby (Caleb?) kicked my nametag! Some of the kids saw it and screamed! Ha!

We can officially start looking at nursery stuff! I am tres excited! And totally lost. Can someone please give me a list of everything I should register for? What will I really need? I'd hate to miss out on something that will make life easier when the lil guy shows up.

My birthday is coming! :) I'm such a dork... I can't drink so I have no idea what to do. I want to have a party but I have no clue where to go. Chuck E. Cheese? I need ideas!

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/ref=gno_listpop_wi

UH-mazing!

2009-01-29T13:31:00.000-08:00

Brett and I had an appointment yesterday and we found out...

we're having a BOY!

:D :D :D

The entire sonogram was so cool! The woman who did the procedure told us that she had only discovered girls that day... we broke the streak! We got to see the lil guy moving around, moving his mouth, kick! We saw his heart beating. We even saw xrays of his face and his spine! Brett was soooo excited, it was adorable.

Later that night, after the mass text messages and Facebook status updates and calls from family, Brett pointed out that our dreams have really come true. We can honestly tell our son, "You are exactly what we wanted." :)

Now its time to really tackle the nursery and register for everything.

This is so surreal. And wonderful.

Eureka!

2009-01-25T05:35:00.000-08:00

I have a million notebooks, particularly chronological ones that document prayers I've prayed or lines from books that were particularly moving.

For some reason this morning I decided to read back through a particular one.

AND I FOUND IT!

I know now what I want to get as a tattoo if I can ever sneak it around Brett. How have I missed this before?

Esse quam videri

Latin translation: to be rather than to seem

TOO PERFECT!

Me someday?

2009-01-22T13:49:00.001-08:00

So I heard that Miss South Carolina is going to be at an event for Arts Advocacy Day in February because she's an art teacher!!! How cool! So I googled her. I found her blog and AWESOME school art webpage. She even started a super cool program that uses art to help foster kids. I'm like "Wow, she's accomplished so much. She's beautiful and successful and doing all these things right."

She's 45.

No wonder she's got her act together!

Go her for being a beauty pageant role model!

I want to be her when I grow up.

http://kimberlysullivan.blogspot.com/2008/07/darla.html

25 Random Things

2009-01-20T05:24:00.000-08:00

Of course, I go and create a new blog then suddenly find myself with nothing to say. :P Here's a random survey I got tagged to complete. 25 Random Things About Me.

1. I love storms. While I survive on sunshine, there's nothing cooler than being inside watching the wind blow, jumping at the thunder, seeing the sky light up with every lightning crash.

2. I've saved almost every note that's ever been written to me. From elementary school on, I just started putting all the stupid notes my friends and I passed back and forth in class into three-ring folders. In high school, certain friends of mine and I would pass back and forth these composition notebooks so teachers wouldn't get too suspicious. I think they're all still under my bed at my parent's house.

3. When I'm really angry or really happy, I clean the house. What is up with THAT?!

4. Out of nowhere the most random songs pop into my head in the shower and they're stuck in rotation the rest of the day. Today's soundtrack? "Freedom" by George Michael.

"All we have to do now is take these lies and make them true somehow
All we have to see is that I don't belong to you and you don't belong to me..."

5. I'm determined to go to the Mall of America before I die.

6. I still have to work really hard to convince myself not to shoplift. I'm just really good at it.

7. I adore reading biographies.

8. I really don't like watching any kind of scary movie because I tend to scream obscenities when surprised. If I have to sit through one, I'll usually mute it once the creepy music starts... that really helps.

9. I still dream about my husband.

10. I wonder if it's possible to have super-close girlfriends and a love life going on at the same time. I've never seen anyone pull it off. One usually overtakes the other.

11. I genuinely love hanging out with my parents. Ain't THAT weird? They're hilarious.

12. I'd much rather do everything from bed. When I'm home alone during the summer, I bring everything into the bedroom....meals, laundry, books, laptop, tv, whatever. It's like my cacoon...I just feel safer there.

13. I seem to always get sick on my birthday. I dunno if it's just all that build up and anticipation or what but it never fails...

14. I still don't know how to say "no" to people very well. I always come up with excuses.

15. I have yet to fall in love with any particular skin care or makeup. Sorry, I really want to! But I always feel like there's gotta be something better for me out there. I have no brand loyalty.

16. I can't believe I've accomplished all I have by this age. I feel like I still have a right to be irresponsible and ignorant but... I really don't anymore.

17. There are so many jobs I feel like I could do well and really enjoy outside of teaching art. Random jobs. Like be a volunteer coordinator for a hospital.

18. I have tons of notebooks for random things but I have one heavy black one that I only write in during big moments in my life. Graduating high school and all the fear and excitement that came with it. Getting engaged. Living on my own. The wedding. First teaching job. Finding out I was pregnant. I wonder how full it will be when I'm 80.

19. I feel like I need permission to dream for anything now. I've checked off just about everything on my "This is who you'll become" list.... what now?

20. I'm really good at being a fan of someone or something. I find out unusual info and really devote myself to appreciating everything I can about it. I have to guard my heart of a worshiper....

21. I'm right handed but, in the shower, I tend to only use my left hand. Strange.

22. I'm famous for my back-scratching ability.

23. I want to pimp out my dog so I can raise his children and continue his legacy the rest of my life. Ya, I'm THAT serious.

24. Some of my best friends are fictional characters.

25. I want a tattoo that has something to do with the letter Q.

You're turn!

Snow Day!

2009-01-20T05:16:00.000-08:00

This is all the snow it takes to cancel school in South Carolina. :) A "dusting" that, authorities fear will lead to "hazardous driving conditions". Gotta love it!!!

I don't have to go to work! Doo-da, doo-da! I don't have to go to work! What will I do all day?

New Year, New Blog

2009-01-11T12:20:00.000-08:00

LiveJournal has been good to me but I figure it's time for a change.

Now that my thoughts are public, let me introduce myself to those of you who may not have a clue who I am or what I'm about.

I am....

young
married
pregnant
an art teacher
Christian
mostly Democratic
learning more and more about myself everyday

I like...

unusual music
reading for pleasure
going to the movies
building forts in my living room with blankets
shopping and fashion probably more than I should
finding/creating beauty in unconventional things
making people smile

I've lived most of my life rotating edited versions of myself, trying to be what I thought people wanted, depending on what circle I was traveling in at the moment.

I think I'm pretty much done with that.

So here I am. Being myself.

Maybe you'll get a laugh out of what you read. Maybe it will make you think. Maybe you'll have lots of opinions for me.

It's time to find out.